Hey Guys, hopefully you have a cup of coffee or tea at hand and are sitting somewhere cozy cause this post is going to go a bit deep. I’m the Oldest daughter with two younger brothers and I know that just by stating that a lot of you probably know where I’m coming from.
Being the oldest and a girl is not for the weak, we come with nothing but walls built around us. The expectations put on us not only in helping raise our siblings but of being strong enough for this cruel world takes a toll on you. As Women we are born nurturers, it’s like it’s in our DNA to take care of everyone and to want to heal everyone but at the end of the day who’s there for us?
Like I said in my previous post, life has not always been the kindest, it has had its share of disappointments and heartbreaks that makes you just want to stay to yourself. I was talking to a friend last night because they wondered why I was so guarded and why I held back so much. This wasn’t the first time that I heard this but for some reason it really made me feel a certain way. As I went along with my day I couldn’t help but to think about that statement. Was I really as guarded as they made me seem? I thought about experiences I went through in life and though it felt like old wounds were being opened I realized that I was very guarded and not without cause.
Life has a way hurting you and knocking you down in ways you’d never thought possible. With each wound I experienced a new wall was built and I opened up less. I don’t regret anything I went through in life because I love the person I am today, I am stronger, I have a voice, I am confident in myself but as I gained all of those things my walls became stronger.
Here are some reasons why we may build walls around our hearts that I found in an article @ https://inspiration.allwomenstalk.com/reasons-you-might-have-a-wall-around-your-heart/
YOUR HEART’S BEEN BROKEN
When your heart has been broken by someone careless or cruel or even kind, it hurts. It’s easy enough to make you build a wall around your heart. You don’t want to fall in love again, for fear of experiencing that same level of pain. It’s easy to spout cliches about how it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, and in time you’ll realize that. Be protective of your heart until it heals, but don’t let those walls keep you from experiencing true love when it finds you.
YOU’VE SUFFERED THROUGH THE DEATH OF A LOVED ONE
Losing someone close to you is always hard, but losing someone to the finality of death is much worse. Knowing that you can never see or speak to your loved one again is devastating, and it’s certainly enough to make anyone put up walls. However, the person you lost wouldn’t want you to cut off your emotions like that. Take your time to grieve, but realize that it’s better to celebrate a life forever than it is to mourn it and hold yourself back.
SOMEONE CHEATED ON YOU
Being cheated on is one of the worst betrayals imaginable. It makes it incredibly hard to trust anyone else. Better to break up with someone than to betray their trust and love that way. Realize, though, that not everyone will cheat on you. If you’ve gone through several relationships where you’ve been betrayed, think about the type of men or women you’ve been dating. You owe it to yourself to find someone who will respect you and cherish the gift of your emotions.
YOU’VE BEEN ABUSED
Abuse is one of the foremost and most debilitating reasons to build a wall around your heart. Whether it’s emotional, physical, mental, or sexual, it can unquestionably cause you to build protective walls around yourself, and those walls are completely understandable. Healing from abuse takes time, and some people never get over it completely. The best thing you can do is find and accept support from a group, a therapist, or a psychiatrist – whatever works best for you. With that kind of help, you can learn to heal and slowly figure out how to let others back into your life and your heart.
YOU’VE BEEN BETRAYED BY FRIENDS
Sometimes being betrayed by a close friend is even worse than being betrayed by a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. Once a friend turns her back on you, stabs you in the back, or otherwise hurts and betrays you, it’s difficult to open yourself up to other friends. Again, you’ll need time to heal, but take a look at your other friends. Do they seem like the kinds of people who would do this to you? Don’t judge all your friends by the deplorable actions of one person.
YOU FEEL ABANDONED
Feeling abandoned by parents, lovers, or friends is extremely hurtful. Perhaps your parents didn’t give you a lot of love or attention growing up, maybe your significant other spends more time doing something else, or your friends may put distance between you. Whatever the reason, feelings of abandonment make it easier to then keep others at a distance – in essence you abandon them before they can do it to you. You need to know, though, that there will be people in your life who stand by you through thick and thin – you just have to give them the chance.
YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF
If you have a wall around your heart, it may exist because you don’t love yourself, and therefore can’t accept love from others. To truly accept love, friendship, kindness, and acceptance from other people, you have to feel those things about yourself. If you don’t, your walls may be there because you don’t feel you’re worthy of love or friendship.
Having a wall around your heart makes you feel protected, like nothing can hurt you like pain can’t get near you. The problem is that love and kindness can’t get near you either. You have to think long and hard about why you’ve built up these emotional walls, and decide if they’re doing more harm than good. Have you ever tried to knock down those walls? What do you have them?
Now I’m not saying that we need saving from anyone because we have God and His love is more than enough but what I am saying is our hearts shouldn’t be so accessible to just anyone. Why should we make it so easy for others to have our hearts just for them to play with it? Jesus died on the cross for the love He had for us and I’m not saying that someone needs to go to that extreme for us but I do believe that effort needs to be made. I read a quote that “A Woman’s hearts need to be so hidden in God that a Man needs to seek Him just to find her.” You may ask what does that even mean? Well coming from a Christians point of view it’s better to be led by God when choosing a partner and I know to those who don’t believe in God it’s a hard concept. Sometimes when we make our own decisions and just fall in love with anyone we cause more harm than good. I truly believe that when you place your heart in God’s hands He’ll give it to someone who He knows is good for you. He’ll allow that person to come along who won’t make you feel bad about what you went through but instead be willing to talk to you about anything, is willing to understand you better, and won’t judge you for your walls.
I do believe that although we don’t mean to build up walls it is our own defense mechanism, it is our way of making sure no one can easily hurt us or take advantage of our hearts. Even though it feels like a form of sabotage since we don’t make it easy for anyone who actually cares about us and loves us to get close to us, what if we are waiting for the right person who is willing to make the climb? We all know the fairytale of Rapunzel and how her prince comes to save her and climbs the tower. What if our walls are not only a way to keep people out but instead what if we’re waiting to see if anyone is worthy and willing to make that climb? What if we are just waiting for someone who doesn’t shy away from a challenge. For the Prince to be able to save Rapunzel she had to first be able to let her long hair down so that he could climb it to reach her. As strong as we may be, I know for a fact that we want to be able to be vulnerable with the right person, we want to be able to let our “hair” down so that that person can reach us.
I know that the right person will not see your walls as a challenge but as a way to draw nearer to understand you and not blame you for not being so open. You might be thinking “Well Janny, this is a lot to unpack here,” and you know what it is! That’s why I leave this here hoping that the same way I had to evaluate myself, it’ll make you want to think about what’s holding you back from enjoying life to the fullest.
No matter what made you build your walls I hope and pray you are able to heal from any heartbreak or trauma and just know that with God all things are possible. For those who are still healing and don’t want anyone in their life, that’s okay, take your time, take a deep breath and live life one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel your pain, acknowledge it, and heal from it; only you know when you’re ready to have those walls down. For those who are healed and have gotten used to the walls, if you’re ready I just want to let you know that it isn’t so bad out here. Some people are worth letting in, they’ll actually help you move on and become really important to you. Just please don’t get too comfortable within those walls because the same way that they don’t allow people in they won’t allow you out. I don’t know but there comes a point where life isn’t worth living without a little risk and vulnerability.
As my dear friend Olaf put it, you’ll see that “Some people are worth melting for.” So don’t hide behind your walls or Ice Castle for too long or you just might miss out on some pretty incredible people and experiences.
Happy Reading loves and thank you for coming to this week’s “Unpacking my feelings I didn’t even know I had.” haha!
Love always,
Janny Mari
One Day at A Time with Janny Mari 