Hello Friends, at this point should I be calling you besties? What’s a beautiful word for more than a friend? Companion or maybe even confidant? I am baring my heart and soul to you guys so I should be able to find a word that best describes you guys aside from lovelies. Any who enough with my ramblings. I hope you guys have had a chance to read my previous post “Rough Patch” because this post will be about what happened the week following that one. I hope you are having a good morning, afternoon, and night. Wherever you are, find a cozy spot, brew a cup of your favorite tea or coffee, perhaps prepare a snack, and let’s talk for a little.
Where do I start? Maybe I’ll start with how blessed I am to have amazing friends who get when I just need a break. I had the day off and my friend works from home so she asked me to come over just to relax as she worked. I don’t know about you but some of my favorite friendships are the ones where you just enjoy being in each other’s company no matter what the other is doing. So as she worked I laid in bed, worked on some Vlog videos, caught up with some reading, and just watched as she was in meetings. Between work calls she asked me how life was going, we talked about many topics, some funny and some serious. I can’t explain to you the peace I felt in just being there. The week prior was quite the emotional week and to just be able to have my guards completely down was everything. You see it’s hard to hide your feelings with someone who talks to God daily and can see right through you. At first I didn’t like that she was able to call or text me asking me what was wrong without me even saying anything. I didn’t like that with just a look at my face or tone she was able to tell something was off. I would always say “But how can you possibly know?!” and she would always respond “God let me feel your heart.” I can confidently say that God has placed a few people in my life who can quickly discern how I’m feeling and as much as I would like to hide my emotions I am blessed that they understand me and always seem to have the right words to say.
Let me tell you for someone who is as guarded as me to have someone take a look and say exactly what I’m feeling is frustrating and also refreshing. Frustrating because I used to never want anyone to know what I was feeling or going through. Refreshing because I didn’t have to explain or say much for them to understand right away. As she continued to work and take calls I felt myself completely at peace and content; opposite of the way I was feeling the week before. A few hours later we had dinner and went on an errand run for some supplies. The night was beautiful, and as we drove she mentioned that she saw a notebook that instantly made her think of me. She kept talking about the notebook and I have to admit I was intrigued at what kind of notebook would remind her of me; as she continued to express her regret in not getting it when she saw it she asked if we should just go to Target to see if it was still there. If y’all know me ya’ll know I’m up for anything so to Target we went. She spoke so highly of this notebook that I couldn’t wait to see what was so special about it. She’s quite tall so as she calmly walked I was speed walking to catch up, zooming through the aisles we finally came to the Stationary section of the store. She found what she was looking for, she turned to me and told me to just read the cover. It took me a while to read and reread the quote in front of me, I could tell she was staring at me but it didn’t stop me from tearing up and crying in the middle of Target. She hugged me and said how much she loves me and appreciates everything I do and that she has seen so much growth in my life these past few months.
What kind of quote would have a grown woman crying in the middle of the target you may ask? Well let me share it with you:
“”FINDING YOURSELF” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last Winter’s pocket. You are also not Lost. Your TRUE SELF is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “FINDING YOURSELF” is actually RETURNING to Yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you”
It took me a moment to compose myself, as she continued to look at me not knowing how deeply and truly touched I was I continued to cry. This quote hit me like a truck it stunned me really because between the years 2018 and now four years in total I have been trying to find myself, who I truly am. Four years worth of heartbreak, misunderstandings, misconceptions, breaking everything I thought was truth. I have been undergoing extreme construction trying to unlearn Religious conditioning, overcoming people’s opinions of me, unaccepting those inaccurate conclusions of myself that not only came from people but from my insecurities. I had to dig deep and truly figure out who I was.
Growing up I always felt the need to be a perfect daughter and student. There was this show I was obsessed with called “Gilmore Girls” one of the main Characters is Rory. She was smart, always made the right decisions, and as I watched her I thought to myself I should be more like her. I related to her in the way that she loved reading, coffee, and also put high expectations on herself. As mentioned in previous posts growing up overweight as a child came with a lot of baggage, mostly emotionally. It was beyond me that I would always get made fun of because of my weight, always getting picked last or no one wanting me to play with them. As you can imagine I stopped seeing myself through my eyes and saw myself the way that those around me perceived me as. I was very gullible growing up, I really thought that most of the people around me were truly my friends but most of the time I was the buttend of a joke and half the time I didn’t even realize they were laughing at me, not with me.
It’s really hard writing all of this down because no one should feel less than just because they look, speak, dress differently than what is considered “normal.” Sadly it wasn’t only people who I considered friends but also family members. Maybe they didn’t realize that I could see some of the looks they would give me when they thought I wasn’t looking or the partiality/ favoritism they’d show my thinner cousins, and sometimes the jokes would go too far. I write this because sometimes families or friends may think they’re doing things with the best intentions or giving advice but what it truly is is criticism. I don’t hold grudges on anyone, why would I? Some people don’t know the difference and the ones that do and choose to say awful things are just showing how they feel about themselves. Of course I had a smile on my face most of the time but when I was truly by myself my tears became my nightly companions. I’m not saying any of this for you to feel bad or for you to feel pity because I am proud of my younger self. Most would have let all of the things I went through change them and honestly I wouldn’t have blamed myself if I did but I am so thankful that in the time I needed Him the most God found me, placed me in His arms, and showed me unconditional love. I know that I haven’t spoken much on my walk with Him but that will definitely be in another post.
Why am I sharing all of this? Because I never truly open up about my past. To be able to tell you what I’ve had to overcome I have to share what I’ve been through. Growing up my parents did their best to shield us from the world and I appreciate them for doing that but it’s impossible to shield someone from mean remarks, bullying, assumptions, and so many other things. I am not the same Janny I was in Elementary, Middle School, High School, College. I’m not even the same Janny I was a few months ago. Life is always changing and we should all be evolving and becoming better people. If I’ve learned anything in life is that sometimes it deals you great cards and sometimes you get the worst, what matters is what you do with the cards that you are given. You can either cry about how unfair it is or grow and seize every opportunity you can. Like I said DO NOT feel bad for me because I am so blessed to have amazing, loving, and supportive friends and family members. I am beyond spoiled with their love and can’t believe that I get to call them mines.
On my quest of “Finding Myself” what I truly found is that I enjoy getting pretty and dressing down. I absolutely love plants, some of my favorites are succulents and cacti. I am always buying myself flowers because they really do brighten up your room. My favorite colors at the moment are mauve pinks, forest green, teal, and neutral tones. I also became quite obsessed with Sweet and Sour filled Twisslers because of said friend who made me cry in Target. I made up my mind that I will truly live my best life and go on as many adventures as I can even if I am scared to try. I love my down time and being able to relax, especially alone since I’m pretty busy most of the time so I appreciate when I have those moments. I’ve learned that I can have my own opinions and I can make my own mistakes without thinking that the world is going to end because I’m not perfect. I am more than Janny “The Leader, The shoulder to Cry on, The Daughter, Sister, Friend, and Confidant.” I am a beautiful, respected, loved, and cared for Woman; Mistakes, Flaws, and Imperfections.
I am sometimes very loud or very quiet, I cry when I watch a sad scene in a movie or show. Sometimes if I don’t like where the scene is heading I may fast forward because I am very empathetic and I just don’t like feeling sad. I care maybe a little too much about others and tend to make their problems my own ( or should I say used to) remember boundaries friends! When I’m upset there is a 10000% chance my face is saying everything I wish I could. Growing up I was obsessed with Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings. I was that person who was at Barnes and Noble before midnight waiting for the newest book to be released and happily made my family wait in line with me. I was a huge band geek, I’ve played the trombone for over 12 years which meant most of my Friday nights in Highschool were spent on cold bleachers playing at football games. I love watching cooking and baking shows because it is my hope that I will be a contestant on “The Great British Bake Off.” Do not get me started on how I am an ARMY and absolutely love BTS because we’d be here all night. When making plans I will always opt for staying home so please never feel bad for canceling plans on me cause chances are I’m still in bed laying down, but once I’m out I know I will have a great time. Bowling has become a favorite pastime of mine; well I should mention that I love to watch my friends bowl as I sit with them and catch up, if you ever need a hype woman/ bowling cheerleader I am 100% your gal. If I’m really tired you will only see two sides of me, super silly and giggly or not in the mood for anything and just wants to sleep. Wow at this point you know more about me than most people in my life!
Everyday I am learning what I love, what I dislike, what I tolerate, and what I do not tolerate. I think it’s important to get to know yourself, to remember who you were before the world got its hands on you and your heart. If life knocks you down remember only you have the power to get back up! You are the only one who has been with you from the beginning and will be with you until the end so go easy on yourself and take yourself out sometimes. You deserve the best of what this life has to offer no ifs, ands, or buts. So get out there and maybe go on a Target Run!
Now I leave you a quote from my guy Rocky who knew a thing or two about how hard life can be but choosing to make the most of it:
“Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain’t how hard you can hit. It’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It’s how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.” – Rocky Balboa
Till our next unpacking have a great day my lovelies!
Love Always,
Janny Mari
One Day at A Time with Janny Mari 