“Take Up Space”

Hello Friends,

How is your week going?  Mine is going… well it’s going haha. It’s been interesting to say the least. I’m currently almost done with Downton Abbey guys! I’m on season 6 which is the last season and the movie comes out tomorrow night but I will be celebrating my nephew’s birthday so will have to find time to watch it. Conveniently I couldn’t have started it at a better time; I didn’t have to wait for the seasons to come out, their movie comes out this week, and Netflix is taking the series out on May 31st. So I’m pretty excited that I’m almost done with it.  How have you been? Hopefully well, summer is right around the corner and to my delight we only have 18 more days of school before I can enjoy a couple weeks off before I start summer school with the kiddos.  Like always I do not know how this post will turn out but I hope it encourages you and empowers you to be the best you. Find a comfy spot, a refreshing drink, maybe some yummy snacks, and let’s chat for a bit.

I really pride myself in being open and transparent with you guys.  If you knew how hard it used to be for me to express my feelings, emotions, and thoughts I’m sure you would be surprised. It’s no secret that one of the topics I talk about is body positivity and you guys have given me a safe place to vent and work out feelings I didn’t realize I had.  Today’s topic will deal with feeling like you take up too much space. In my instance I have felt this both Physically because of my weight and Emotionally because of my personality.  Something that I’ve always felt but never thought of saying out loud was the fact that I felt like I took up too much space.  

I was always aware of my size and how I thought it affected others around me. Growing up instead of feeling sorry for myself I felt sorry to others that I took up more room.  I used to always purposely stay after school waiting for my parents to pick me up because it was easier to wait for a ride than to walk down the aisle of the school bus seeing how my peers didn’t want me to sit with them.  I used to try to get to my bus stop earlier so I could find a seat first so I wouldn’t have to worry. You see, middle school and high school were kinda harsh.  Some people would give me that look like “Oh I hope she doesn’t sit with me” and others would just put their book bag on the spot next to them and say they’re saving it for a friend.  Quite a few times the bus was so crowded that we’d have to sit three to a seat and once in a blue someone would have mercy and I’d sit on a little corner of the seat.  

From then on I would try to make myself smaller, try to take up less space wherever I went so I wouldn’t be a bother to anyone and that’s when I figured it would be easier to just get picked up instead of having to worry about finding a seat.  Now don’t go feeling bad for me, I did have a few friends who would defend me on the bus or would make sure I had room because they knew how I felt.  Not all of middle and highschool was awful because I do have some pretty amazing memories and have had great friendships. It’s just the bad really outweighed the good some of the time.  I remember my parents always asking why I would prefer to wait a long time to get picked up than to go on the bus but at the time I didn’t know how to express myself and it was pretty embarrassing.

Don’t even get me started on going on an airplane, the embarrassment alone of seeing people roll their eyes and hope that I wouldn’t sit with them was the worst.  I don’t think people realize that “overweight” people already feel bad but their faces and comments contribute to us feeling even worse. I can’t thank God enough for my mom though because she is truly a momma bear and would do anything to make sure I was comfortable. She would always make sure we were seated next to each other and when I would be too embarrassed to ask, she would ask for a seatbelt extenders for the both of us so I wouldn’t feel singled out.  I don’t share this to make anyone feel bad but to enlighten those that don’t understand why some of us who are overweight have so many things to be insecure about.

2019, the year I started my weightloss journey. I remember when my friend who is also the gym director asked me what was one of the reasons as to why I joined the gym and it took quite a while for me to open up to him and I told him “honestly I just want to fit comfortably in an airplane and anywhere really.” Now I am a thick girl and someone complimented me this week and he said “Janny you are beautiful and thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, and who doesn’t like oatmeal.”  Honestly his comment made my week because what we may be insecure about others truly treasure or like about us. In being a thick woman, sadly that means my ancestors saw it fit that not only will I be blessed with a voluminous bottom, but they thought I would enjoy a matching set of hips and thighs. If I’m being honest those are a few things I’m insecure about, while others would tell me they wish they had what I have I’d just roll my eyes and say saracstically “sure you do.”

 So in 2019 I didn’t know it at the time but the family I was nannying for had accepted a job offer in Kansas and they wanted me to move with them but I couldn’t and found it hard to move away from my family so instead they flew me out to help them with their kids for a few weeks.

When I tell you my first thought was “I have never traveled alone before and this time I didn’t have mom to sit with or ask for a seatbelt extender.” My thoughts were going a mile a minute; “oh Lord how am I going to do this, I hope I don’t get a middle seat, what if I get lost in the airport.” Y’all when I tell you God is so good!  On the first flight I sat in the back with a dear sweet older lady and on the second flight with a really nice young guy who was going to Kansas to visit his family. I had made sure to ask the flight attendants beforehand for the seat belt extender and they were so kind about it.  For the first flight back I sat alone but on the second and last flight back my greatest fear became a reality, I would be stuck in the middle seat between two strangers. I found my seat and the minute the older guy noticed I would be sitting next to him he rolled his eyes and put the armrest down. Already I found myself trying to become smaller and then another guy came and sat next to me. By this point I felt my eyes water and prayed to God that the next two hours went by quickly. To my surprise the other guy noticed how uncomfortable I was and he kept his armrest up.  I apologized if I was squishing him and he reassured me that I was okay and that I wasn’t squishing him at all. Even though the older man seemed bothered, the other man made sure that I was comfortable and said to stop apologizing because everything was okay.

Sadly, there will be people in this world who will take one look at you and make you wish you were smaller but then there will be people who look at you and love you just the way you are.  You may be wondering if I still feel this way and honestly I feel it less than I did before. I’ll tell you why; because for years of trying to make myself smaller and not saying how I was feeling I finally found my voice and my people. The ones who I felt safe enough to be vulnerable enough and to be clear about these topics aside from my parents. Of course, I could talk to my parents about anything and everything but I feel as children we want to shield them from what hurts us because we don’t want them to hurt for us, which is my case. I never want them to worry if im upset or unhappy but as I grow older I realize that they’re our parents. They know when we’re upset and sometimes they can even guess the cause of it but sometimes just like God they wait for us to come to them and talk when we’re ready.  If yours are anything like my mom they might just invite you for a “cup of coffee” and trap you with them until you open up haha.

Two years ago I was talking to one of my closest friends and I actually stayed in her house for about a month and when I tell you we opened up to each other about so many things. Insecurities, doubts, failures, wants, and dreams.  One night we were watching movies and we were sitting really close and she kept noticing I would move a bit and she asked why I would do that and I mentioned I just didn’t want her to feel squished she looked at me and smacked my arm a few times and said “you are gorgeous and I wish I could look like you and be as confident as you.” Thanks to her and a few people that I treasure with all of my heart and soul they have taught me to love myself in ways I didn’t know was possible. They spoke words of affirmations, letting me know that I was so burdened with my insecurities that I didn’t see what made me gorgeous.  I’ve mentioned it many times before but we truly are our own worst enemies.  I allowed my insecurities of being overweight overshadow how I truly looked. I allowed those insecurities to make me want to take up less space so that others wouldn’t be inconvenienced because of me.

My people and being able to fight all of these doubts, worries, and insecurities have allowed me to overcome so many obstacles in my life. I used to think what man would want to be with a woman my size and ladies let me tell you  A LOT of men want us! This isn’t only for the ladies because men we love us some teddy bears too! But back to the ladies, you would be surprised at how many men love thick women.  The men that have wanted to be with me and continue to try to be with me have shown me that size isn’t the issue and let me tell you a lot of men like us voluptuous women, some are either in denial, don’t want to admit it, and others really are brave enough to shoot their shot.  Now I don’t want my skinny queens and thin men feeling some type because I do believe there is someone out there for every one but for today this is my letter to my thick men and women who take up space with their bodies and personalities. You matter, you are loved, and you are wanted.

I dare you to take a moment to look at yourself in that mirror and instead of seeing flaws see your beautiful features. You are never too much of anything for the right person and like my friends tell me all of the time, a real man or woman doesn’t care about the things we think would bother them; if they do then they’re not a real man or woman.  Someone who is for you will find everything about you beautiful, sexy, and charming.  So if someone is making you feel like you are TOO much for them tell them to go find someone who is LESS because I for one refuse to be with someone who doesn’t absolutely adore me for everything I am and for everything I am not.

I am done with trying to make myself smaller because I feel like I take up too much space, heck I am loud, round, and proud.  So I no longer find myself accommodating to them and you shouldn’t either, instead let them accommodate themselves to you. I knew I finally got over this feeling when I was in my friend’s house not too long ago and we were all sitting on her couch.   I was sitting on the couch with a guy friend and I got up for something when another guy friend sat in my spot. The only available spot was in the middle between them, I stared at it and old me almost thought “well just stay standing” new me said “sit in between them I dare you.” So I listened to new me and sat right down in the middle with no care or worry and you know what they moved a bit to make sure I was good and we all sat comfortably and had a great time. 

To many I know you may find this silly but to those that have to overcome these types of insecurities it is a big thing. There needs to come a time where you need to silence that voice in your head telling you “you’re too much and that you take up too much space.”   When that happens simply tell that voice to shut it and Watch me TAKE UP SPACE.

I leave you with this quote I just found that seems to fit this perfectly:

“You aren’t difficult to love. You aren’t too needy or too much.

You’re just not for everyone. And that’s okay. It’s human and

it’s normal. Every person on the planet has parts of who they are

that are unattractive or unacceptable to certain people.

Every person is someone’s idea of hard to love. But each of us

also embody traits and qualities that make us perfect for someone

else. Each of us have struggles and pieces of our story that don’t

frighten certain people and wouldn’t push them away.

Pieces that make us exactly what they’re looking for and

histories that never make them question our lovability

or worth. And that counts for something.

No matter how many people find you difficult to love, there will

always be others who feel like they’ve struck gold. And no matter

how many turn away, I hope you can trust that there’s nothing

wrong with who you are. That your needs are valid.

That you’re inherently lovable and worthy of

relationships that don’t hurt.

You’re not for everyone, and this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

You’re rare and resilient and have gifts to offer that can’t

be replicated. You know who you are and what you need,

and you shouldn’t ever have to settle for people who love you

poorly. There is better love out there waiting. There are people

better suited to hold your heart. People you haven’t met yet

who will make you forget you ever doubted your value.

People who will laugh when they hear you say you’re difficult

to love. And if you haven’t found them yet, you will

Keep holding out. The love you’re waiting

for, it’s coming.”

•Daniell Koepke

Until our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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