Crossroads:

Hey everyone, 

How has your week been? It’s been interesting to say the least.  I guess my body has been making up for not sleeping so well this summer. It’s also my first week off this summer and just relaxing.  I hope y’all are enjoying your summer and staying cool. I’m not really sure how I want to segue into today’s topic so for those of you who may be already in bed or getting ready for bed; pause your show and let’s chat for a bit.

I’ve been thinking of what to write next and I think, well I know that sometimes it’s easier to just write first and whatever comes out comes out.  So with that being said, I have found myself lately at a crossroads.

To Be At A Crossroads: to be at a stage in your life when you have to make a very important decision (https://dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/be-at-a-crossroads)

You may wonder what important decisions I may need to make and honestly I’m still trying to work those out myself.  Maybe the reason I’m so tired is because my mind has been racing non stop.  I know that there are certain conversations and decisions that I need to have if I want to move forward. I preach to you guys about having boundaries and yet I have found that there are quite a few I haven’t set firmly in place.

One of the things I hear is that “I’m too nice” I can be but if you knew the flesh I carry you wouldn’t think that. I thank God that I am in church because my flesh isn’t nice, my words at times may come off harsh. I say these things so that you guys can know that I’m human and there are traits in me that I try to submit to God every day.  My face speaks (sometimes with or without my permission) and my mouth says things before my brain can process them. Maybe it’s a defense mechanism or maybe I just need to control them a little more.

You know I’m a bit jealous of how my face reacts to things because it’s genuine, while the words that come out of my mouth are more polished.  Either I say before thinking or I hold back.  I was congratulated on how well I am about speaking about feelings and being in control of my emotions and don’t get me wrong I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’ve worked really hard in controlling my emotions, maybe too hard.  I had training today for work and something the trainer said impacted me, “It’s okay to feel your feelings.” I don’t know why I needed that reassurance but my feelings seem to only get more complicated the older I get.

Have any of you ever felt that the minute you feel like you have life figured out all of a sudden something happens that turns it upside down again?  No matter how many times I’ve reminded myself that life isn’t a straight line my brain wants it to be. I’ve questioned myself why I find myself having a hard time having these conversations and one thing seems to pop up; Control. Have I been scared to speak up because I’m scared of losing control of my emotions or of the conversation? Am I worried about what would be said and how I would feel? For someone who tries their best to have their emotions under control the unknown is pretty scary.

The irony of all of this is as I’m having this dilemma I was able to hangout with a friend of mine where I told them about how I was feeling.  We were taking pictures throughout our night and I found myself quite literally on the road.  I sat down for a few minutes and then laid down staring at the sky and the billions of stars that filled it. There was beauty in that moment, a stillness that called me to stay on the road longer but I knew that I couldn’t. You see the danger of being at a crossroad is that if you stay there for too long you may risk getting hit by a car.

I’ve been at this Crossroad for so long that I feel like life is finally hitting me; either I stay stuck or choose to move and decide. It’s funny because when you see the car coming it makes the decision to move quite easy so I can’t get mad that life and God is saying It’s time to finally move..

Having tough conversations isn’t something new to me, I’ve had tough conversations before but it’s how people tend to react that puts me on edge.  You can make the most sense and yet people will find fault in you, they will either be disappointed in you, or treat you as if you’re crazy.  My problem is that because I can be too nice and outgoing boundaries are forgotten and we need to learn that once we set that boundary we have to keep it or else our feelings will get hurt and there will be even more misunderstandings. And this goes for people in relationships, church, work, school, with anyone really. Sometimes no matter how good of a person we want to be we can’t protect everyone’s feelings

Like I said, it’s not even about the conversations that need to be had, the decisions that need to be made, that scare me the most. It’s how hurtful someone can be because of them, because you just want to speak and express how you feel. I know what it’s like to be hurt and disappointed after gathering all the courage you can to speak to someone and have them say you disappoint them. Granted I know sometimes things are said out of anger and frustration but I hope this can bring some awareness to someone who is either on the giving or receiving end of this. How you say something matters, if you want to be heard and seen you can speak up. If someone is having a conversation with you about what they’re going through or how they feel, listen to them without planning out how you’re going to hurt them with your words.

I didn’t realize till now what was paralyzing me from having these tough conversations, from being stuck on this Crossroad, but I also have to realize that no one is the same. Everyone reacts and speaks differently. And so what if they react badly that should never stop you from speaking about matters that are important to you.  You have a voice for a reason, just make sure you’re using it for good. To lift up others, to encourage them, and to push them to be better than before. To free yourself from confusion or feelings you may be harboring. 

If you also find yourself at a crossroads, take time to step away from it, and pray about what you should do and what decision you should make because my right can easily be your left.  The beauty of the Crossroad is that you can go in different directions just make sure the one you’re on is right for you. 

I leave you with this quote;

“We spend our time waiting for the ideal path to appear. But it never does. Because we forget paths are made for walking, not waiting.”- Marc&Angel

Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always, 

Janny Mari