Happy New Year My dear friends,
2023 was quite the year! Filled with beautiful and ugly days, days filled with uncertainty and others filled with contentment. I hope you all are doing well and that you met this new year on a big note. I spent my last night of the year in my usual place, in church with my church family bringing in the New Year together. So let’s get to it, find a comfy spot and let’s talk for a bit.
After wondering what I wanted to bring to you guys for the first blog of the year I thought why not be honest and transparent. I found myself in a confusing season; though I had every reason to rejoice and be happy I found myself sad and angry. Imagine feeling all of these emotions at once. Pretty tiring right? You see I had one thing I had to deal with that was holding me back from completely closing a few chapters. I mustered up all of the courage God had given me, had the conversations I’ve been meaning to have, and felt proud of myself for how I handled it all.
What I wasn’t ready for was how my body and mind reacted. I was ready to party or so I thought of finally doing what I wanted to, what I felt I had to but I wasn’t. I found myself getting frustrated, asking myself why things happened the way that they did, found myself wanting to cry but not allowing it because I should be happy. Boy was I wrong. Healing if anything is ugly. Healing hurts.
As my friend Perla and I were preparing ourselves for our “Healing Season Series” we figured out pretty quickly that it wasn’t easy. Closing doors, closing relationships no matter what kind is hard. Sometimes people have their opinions, but at the end of the day you only have one heart. I think because people usually see my heart that’s filled with kindness, love, and strength that they forget that my heart breaks, it gets sad, and it gets angry.
Sometimes being the strongest person sucks, we get overlooked sometimes, people don’t worry about us because “we always figure it out”, most days we don’t get “check in” calls we get “can you help me or hear me out”. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t a pity party, it’s a “remember the strongest can also be weak at times.”
“Rome wasn’t built in a day” is a saying I heard almost all of my life. It’s used to say that things take time. Healing takes time, letting go takes time and I’m still learning that though my boundaries have been set, my conversations have been had, I’m still human and I still care. For anyone who feels broken, or has had to break themselves so that God can make them new everything will be okay. It’ll get better, just not right away.
If this season has taught me anything it’s to cling even more to Jesus and to God’s word, because even when I don’t see or receive what I’ve prayed for God is still good, and He is still God.
Psalm 34:18 NKJV says “The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”
We read this verse and probably recite it in our lowest moments but have we truly understood and gotten to the root of these words?
The Lord our God is near to those who have a broken heart, not only is He near to those who are crushed in spirit, who are broken hearted, but He saves those who have a contrite spirit. You may ask what does contrite mean? According to the Merriam- Webster dictionary, Contrite means: feeling or showing sorrow and remorse for a wrong that one has done. How beautiful it is that in our remorse and regret the Lord is there to save us.
I’m going to be completely honest. I have been broken hearted and crushed in spirit regarding relationships/friendships, work, church, and family. I have been disappointed and hurt from expectations and ideas of how people, friendship, and leaders should be. This hurt can be disappointing and overwhelming if you allow it to consume you and though my soul cries out I’m extremely grateful that even in the moments where I fail and should’ve handled things differently the Lord still forgave me, He still saved me.
It is for this reason that I should also follow His footsteps and forgive mistakes, forgive disappointments, forgive misunderstandings, forgive humans for being exactly that HUMAN. Even though I try my hardest to do better I still have to allow my body, mind, and spirit to heal from these things. Some of these things have caused deep rooted pain but as the Lord continues to excavate each of my layers I pray that He also puts balm on them so that they may heal in due time.
Last year brought me extreme joy and pain and I have to constantly remind myself that these two emotions can coincide with each other. I also have to be kinder to myself, show myself grace, and listen to my body when it’s tired and overstimulated because we only have one body and we have to take care of it. I know this may seem like a sad update but I’m not me if I’m not real with you all. I hope to introduce you guys to Janny 2024 soon, a Janny who has overcome some of her biggest challenges, a Janny who loves harder and forgives deeply, a Janny who will continue to always rely on God, for He always knows best and is always on time.
Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will I be built in a day. I hope to add many beautiful things to my journey this year, and I’m looking forward to what God is going to do.
For those who are on their Healing Journey or questioning whether they should take the steps necessary to start it, do it! Your healing will hurt, it could get ugly, it could get worse before it gets better but you will be so happy you did it, and your Heart, Soul, and Mind will thank you for it. Who knew letting go would hurt but feel so much better in the long run. If I leave you with anything it’s that even though the thorn hurts when you try to take it out it’s better to take it out then to leave it alone and have it cause an infection. Trust me that momentary pain of taking it out and letting it go is much better than letting it infect you and your light in this world.
I leave y’all with this quote; and once again Happy New Year!
“Great things take time; that is why seeds persevere through rocks and dirt to bloom.”
― Matshona Dhliwayo
Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!
Love Always,
Janny Mari
One Day at A Time with Janny Mari 