Letting Go: 

Hey everyone, 

I know I know, I thought I would write to y’all more frequently this year but honestly I wasn’t in a great headspace. I’ve been hiding, well hiding in plain sight, but that’s something we’re going to dig into in a little while. I hope you’ve all had a great summer? Great almost 9 months? Can you believe we’re already in September! It feels like the year has just started and I blinked and now we have a few months left. So as the breeze is turning colder for some of us, grab something cozy, get your favorite snacks and beverage of choice. Take a couple of deep breaths, I’m serious, breathe in 1—  Breathe out 2—. Feeling a little better? Let’s talk for a bit.

Hiding in plain sight, I always joke and say that when I didn’t want to be found I would act busy in the middle of a crowd. Avoiding eye contact and appearing busy. Usually this would work but I fear it’s been working a little too well. I no longer used this strategy as a way to cope during the business of serving my public and serving God. I used it to hide my feelings.

There is a quote I found recently;

“And sometimes I have kept my feelings to myself because I could find no language to describe them in.” – Jane Austen

When I read this quote it made perfect sense as to why it’s taken me so long to write to you all, I boast about being as transparent as possible but how could I do it this time if I didn’t understand my own emotions, if I didn’t understand the storms I was put in the middle of? So off I went to hide in plain sight, hide behind a smile, hide beyond an overly booked work schedule, and hide behind my responsibilities. 

So many ask why I look so tired after going on two vacations this summer (which by the way I will try to do a post on those.) But what many don’t know is the number of losses my family and I went through. You see I lost someone very dear to me when I came back from my Honduras trip and not many know this because I am a very private person. I cared for this person and looked forward to seeing them every day. That person passed away with me and I’m no stranger to loss but this one affected me differently. This one shattered my core. For a whole week I didn’t eat or sleep, I was a walking zombie. I watched tv all night because I didn’t want to think. I slept whenever my body decided it couldn’t stay awake any longer but never more than a few hours. I was going to one of my closest friends’ houses so I wouldn’t be alone when others were working and she tried to force me to eat whenever she could. 

My mom called another dear friend without me knowing and she showed up to meet me where I was. She didn’t say much at first, just a hug and “here I got you your favorite coffee.” I took cat naps, and at this point I couldn’t really walk on my own so they walked beside me. My brother also spent the day driving me around. I wasn’t myself, I was broken, I was tired, unable to hide in plain sight. 

After a conversation with one of them shedding light of what I went through I was able to understand that I did everything I could so that this person could enjoy their last days. That it wasn’t my fault. That it was just their time to go.

So finally I slept and ate a meal, but life goes on so, back to work. And boy did I work my butt off this summer.

EDIT: So I must add that I started this on September 9th and I opened it up again on October 30th, today.

Two weeks ago I received the worst news of all, my aunt passed away. As you can imagine I didn’t take that too well, and I did what I do best, hide in plain sight. Though this time it was a lot harder to do so, it was different, too personal, and it hit home. But you know what after her funeral I was able to translate what was going on in my head and my heart. My only fear now is that the longer I let this sit on my drive the longer it will be kept inside of me and I don’t want to hold onto these feelings anymore; safeguarding them until they become a constant reminder of my pain. My only option is to let them go, and with that I leave you guys the only thoughts running through my mind the day of her funeral:

Today.. The day I’ve been dreading for the past few days. The last day I’d see her.

Errands

Errands are good, they keep me busy. Make a list and get a few things. That I can do. But as we drove suddenly I was starting to feel as if the wall I placed around this new exhibition in my heart, this space reserved for my sudden loss was in danger of collapsing.. “think of anything else, Janny Marie.. the trees, the air, or the lights changing.”

Hours passed and finally we reached the place that held the reason for this pain. The place where everyone shows their sorrows. A home only meant for funerals. 

Breathe.. funny how something so essential to me being alive was so easy to forget to do in these moments. Breathe in.. breathe out. Walking in I was ready to avoid any rooms that would hold reminders of what is now known as her past life. The beginning of screams trying to be muffled can be heard through the thin walls. “She was my aunt” … and selfishly I thought “she was also my aunt.”

“Was” a word so small consisting of 3 letters now pulled at my heartstrings.

Heart

My inner monologue seemed to have heightened these past few days. It was almost as if the only way to protect my heart was to remove myself from this situation and become a third person, a person outside looking in, a narrator of some sort. I began to wonder why something that continues to beat was able to break at the same time. To think how cruel it is to feel your heart shatter, to be filled with a void and it still beats as if nothing is wrong. How can something broken still work? I know that question is for God but at this point I can no longer think.

Think

Something I wanted to avoid doing but needed to do to avoid it. I looked around, looked up at anything else besides “The Red“ in the other room.

Red

 It’s such an impactful color. How fitting that someone who the world treated as if they were invisible was defined by such a visible color. To say she was the life of the party is an understatement. She brought color into our lives. To many Red represents fire, passion, love, anger, and chaos. She was all of these things and more, she embodied red as her persona and I believe that if you were to look up the definition to red you would see her name right beside it. As I thought of the color Red I remembered… “do not think Janny just look up”

Ceiling

1..2..3..4.. I began to count the small boxes up on the ceiling. 5..6..7..8.. more people enter the room. “Keep counting” 9..10..11..12.. The more I count, the more I can focus on breathing. “Don’t cry, don’t break, don’t falter” Breathe in.. breathe out. 

“When can we see her?”

 I couldn’t fathom why there was a rush to already see her. I wasn’t ready, who is ever ready for this? My mind and heart began to race and I was wondering which of them would be faster. “If you don’t see her Janny then maybe she’s just kidding” she would be the type to want to see who’d show up for her own funeral. 1..2..3..4.. this time I counted the number of wooden pegs on the staircase (there were 27.) More family members showed up and I built up every ounce of courage to enter “The Red Room.”

Courage

The reason why I had courage was now lying down in a casket. When I was younger she would never let me get bullied and if I was she made sure I fought back. She always ingrained in me that if I didn’t fight back I would’ve gotten hit anyways. She would always say “if I find out they hit you and you didn’t do anything I’ll hit you” She was small but mighty and thanks to her I learned to fight back, she taught me to not be ashamed because I was “fat,” that if anything there was more of me to love. To be loud and proud because that’s her way. “Don’t ever be ashamed,” she would say. 5..6..7..8..

As I looked at the room she was in and my family surrounding her, I can see how everyone mourns differently. Of course some had the loud cries, the screams, the ones who can barely stand up or breathe. No tears yet, does that mean I’m no longer in danger of breaking? 

Tears

They fall down whether we want them to or not but I wasn’t ready. Too much pain, too much sorrow. But I can feel how dangerously close the dam was to breaking and letting go of all of the water. 

Water

Sip.. sip.. sip. It helped to release the knot in my throat that was forming for hours. Once again a tearstained face approaches me and asks, “Are you ready to see her?”  All of the courage that she taught me to have seemed to have left. How can anyone be ready? She was the only aunt I grew up with. The one who would steal my clothes yet bring me something in return. Who could ever be ready. I took a few steps, my brain was foggy, I looked and walked away. As always she was beautiful.

Was

There goes that word again. Is and will always be beautiful.

I couldn’t deal with all of this and suddenly I saw them, it was as if the room opened up to give them space to reach me. They embraced me and finally after what felt like forever I knew in that moment that I didn’t have to be strong because they were strong enough for the both of us. After that words were said, speeches were given. “I’m sorry for your loss”

Numb

Numb to the words and numb to the faces. All I knew was that my core people were with me and that I didn’t have to think or do anything. “Janny breathe” I’m reminded as I stare off into space yet again. 224 boxes on the ceiling.

“You have 15 minutes” 

Suddenly I felt as if all of the oxygen left the room. This is it, cue the hysteria. Who do I help my mom or my fallen screaming cousin? There’s nowhere to hide from all of the pain that was about to erupt. I didn’t say goodbye, I left without looking back, because the last thing I wanted was for my aunt to see that because of her I was broken.

EDIT: December 6th, the day I’m finally ready to let all of this go. This post took many months to write, but I’m glad that I finally have enough peace to translate everything I’ve been going through these last 5 months. On November 20th I turned 32, my first birthday without receiving my phone call from Titi Tundra. All I wanted was to honor her and go to the beach with my mom. You see my Aunt loved the beach as much as I do and I couldn’t see a more perfect way to spend my birthday.

And I leave y’all with this quote:

“Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than hanging on.”

• Eckhart Tolle

Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari