Hello everyone,
I know, I know. It’s been weeks since our last chat. It’s finally Spring and the birds are singing again. My favorite thing lately is going for a drive with the windows down, feeling the breeze and being still in the moment. How is everyone? I’ve been doing pretty well, still busier than ever but loving this new season! Winter felt like it took its time leaving and I’m not sad to see it go. There’s something about Spring and new beginnings that make me hopeful. Alright so if you’re at work, at school, or running errands and just needed a quick break, get comfortable and let’s chat for a bit.
I was given some homework by my dietician and that was to write a blog about my current season. I last left you guys on what brought me to last season. A season filled with depression, anxiety, loneliness, numbness, and feeling lost. Today thanks to God, my family, and my friends I can say I have found myself finally.
I find that I am completely in love with this Janny. It has taken the last 6 months of my life to tear down walls, peel back layers, acknowledge everything I was trying to hide away, and be made new. This wasn’t an easy process. It took months of breaking down, of letting go of past thoughts, teachings, and beliefs. It took once a week video calls with my dietician and working through rewiring my brain, my thoughts, and getting my mind, body, and self to work as one.
For a long time it felt like I wasn’t whole. Like everything was working separately and against each other. Through these talks, plans, and techniques I was able to overcome so many things. I overcame the anxiety I didn’t even know I had with food until we discussed it. I was able to slowly trust my body to teach my brain that I was safe and not in danger. You see, because of years of so many stomach pains and issues that the doctors had no answer for, I questioned everything I ate and was scared to eat because I was scared of what reaction I would have. So at this point without realizing it, I was in survival mode and food was something I ate because I needed to eat.
Through this process I learned to trust my body, and because I trusted my body my mind followed suit, and because my body and mind were now working together I was finally at peace with myself. As I was working on my mind and learning how to feel safe with food I was also learning how to love myself through working out at the gym.
I started going to Anytime back in 2018/19? At that point I was also going through an identity crisis. I didn’t know who I was aside from a leader in my church, a sister, daughter, and friend. When I started, it became such a safe haven for me. I met coaches I loved like April and Jeff, and the best gym director, Eric. Who also became a good friend. He never stopped reaching out to me throughout all of these years. If anything he has fought for me the hardest to come back to the gym. Checking in on me all of these years every few months and trying to help me come up with a plan to get better. Anytime Fitness is also where I met my dear friends Cindy and Miguel. Cindy was the one to actually encourage me to become a Para and then after a few years left me for an amazing opportunity haha.
Jumping to last October 2025, the only thing that I kept thinking about as I was struggling was “I just need to get to Anytime.” I knew that if I just stepped foot back into the gym that things would change for the best. I also knew that if I didn’t act quickly, fear and doubt would make me back out of this. So I texted Eric to see if he’d be at the gym that Monday. That Monday was the day I officially decided there was no turning back. I texted him because I knew that he would hold me accountable and make sure that I made it there. Do you ever have that feeling where if you just take a chance things would get better? I’m glad I listened to that feeling and took that chance.
Now this is where Matt comes in, he’s our trainer/ Coach at the gym. I came back to the gym towards the end of 2023 but left after a while because I got injured and was annoyed at myself for struggling so much that time around. I guess I was frustrated because something in me wasn’t as determined or disciplined to stick to it. I didn’t feel that drive that I did before to make a change. When I walked through those doors last October I saw Cindy and Miguel and I just knew I was staying. Not because I needed them, but because it felt easier to be surrounded by people you knew instead of everyone being a stranger. They are such a support team for me and I don’t think they truly realize how much their friendship means to me.
Oh I was just about to tell y’all about Matt right? Haha. Okay so Matt saw me in his office with Eric and joked saying “I saw you come in with your walk of shame” or something along that line and instantly I laughed and felt better. I did feel guilty but hey I made it back. Now I was also upset at all the weight I had gained. I met with Matt a few days later for an assessment and towards the end came the part I dreaded the most. It was time to get on the scale. I remember Matt looking at me and I said “I don’t want to look,” and he said “You don’t have to look, that’s just for me to know.” It was at that moment where I felt relief, reassurance, and as if I wasn’t carrying the world on my shoulders. That’s not easy for a big girl to feel.
You see, all of my life I have been the “Overweight girl” the girl that many found as an easy target to bully and make fun of. Most people made sure to let me know or feel that I was too big for the spaces or places I was in. If you’ve read my earlier blogs, I go more into detail about how I felt as a bigger girl. Sure I was always the funny girl and told I was beautiful but underneath that were layers filled with pain. In this season I’m glad to report that I no longer feel like that girl, if anything your girl is feeling brand new!
Everyone would always comment on how confident I am and how I own who I am and it’s crazy to say, but I’ve never felt more confident in myself than how I feel in this season. I walk differently, I talk differently, I feel different, and I love differently! I no longer compare myself to others, I don’t think anything negatively about myself. It’s so amazing and freeing. That voice that used to be so loud and say things like “you’re not enough, you’re not pretty enough, no one really wants you, you’re too big to be here.” I no longer hear or think these thoughts! If anything it’s the opposite! Every time I see myself in a mirror, especially at the gym or in my room, I look at myself with so much joy and understanding. I see myself and think. “You are so beautiful, you are doing great things, look at those muscles! You are so strong.” What a beautiful thing to truly fall in love with oneself.
Each and every week for 4-5 days I would come to the gym. I would joke and say Matt doesn’t compliment me or encourage me. He has no idea how much it meant to me when he would say that I was getting stronger. Or the fact that even when I felt like I was struggling and doing something wrong he’d patiently show me how or give me options when I was too sore or in pain. Not every trainer is the same and not every trainer cares, but I’m grateful to Matt for showing up even if that means he takes full credit when others compliment me and say how amazing I look.
He has truly become a very important part of my life and I’m beyond blessed to have him as a friend. If I’m honest I’m eternally grateful for the friends that I’ve made there who have shown me so much love and have made me laugh and stay in the gym for hours. It’s important to find your people, and not only those who encourage but push you through your fears and insecurities.
When I tell y’all your community matters, IT MATTERS. I have my church community and friends who have become family but I have also formed so many friendships and beautiful bonds within my gym. To the ones who supply me with yummy treats and the craziest workout sessions. For the random and planned dinners out, to bingo and weekly venting sessions. To our after dinner science experiments with failed diet coke and mentos. We truly push each other past our limits and are together in everything we do, including but not limited to roasting Matt and complaining about all of the workouts he makes us do.
My gym isn’t like most gyms and for that I’m grateful. We have our own group chat, we have end of the month birthday potlucks, and we never judge. If you truly come with the mindset of getting better, getting stronger, and healthier than there should be no reason to feel ashamed. The thing that sets my gym apart from others I’ve been to is that we’re all struggling with something and there’s no time to shame or make others feel bad. We’re all human and we all need that hour in our day where the world gets quiet and we can just focus on breathing and lifting weights.
Has this been an easy half of my year? NO! It hurt, it took a lot of breaking, and so many tears. It took me being away from my best friends and going through this on my own. Not being able to let them in or explain what I was going through. What I am grateful for the most is that even though I took these six months to figure myself out and work on myself, they understood that I just needed to be alone. Through it all they would still text me and say “I know you don’t want to talk but I’m texting you to say I’m thinking about you, praying for you, and I’m here whenever you’re ready.” It took seeing how my family would notice me being sad and knowing they couldn’t do much to help me. Though they still tried to put a smile on my face, and I’ll always appreciate and love them for that.
Change isn’t easy. It’s hard, but I was set on becoming a different me. I didn’t want to be always tired, irritated, always in pain, and numb. I wanted to heal and become stronger. Guys I can finally say I no longer have that pain in my foot that was there tormenting me for over two years. Granted Matt takes credit for that too, as he should since he’s been making me stretch constantly. I move faster, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m speed walking throughout my day until my friends tell me to slow down haha.
I have so much more energy even though my students tend to take most of it! Jkjk legally I have to say I love them. Also a big win is that I stopped drinking coffee almost 5 months ago! I know, I know shocker! Me, a coffee connoisseur, Dunkin’s own coffee girl, has stopped drinking coffee! And you know what, I don’t even need it, never did. It was just my emotional support beverage.
I have to give a huge shoutout to my Momma, she’s been by my side through this whole mess. I know it wasn’t easy for her to be on the sidelines or to have to hear how I felt and her feeling like she couldn’t do anything. I appreciate that there were times where she’d have me come with her to places so I wouldn’t be all alone with my thoughts. For loving every part of me, the broken, lost, and tired. She’s the reason why I started going to the gym in the first place, just following her footsteps. After God she has been a constant shoulder to lean on, she has pushed me to do what feels right for me, and she has been understanding and loving through it all. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you weren’t my Momma but I’m glad I never have to find that out. Here’s to my momma, my wonderwomen, my best friend, my hero. Thank you for loving me fiercely and supporting me as I figured out who I truly wanted to be.
I don’t know what the rest of this year will look like but I’m excited for it. This year I’m “doing things scared.” Meaning even if it frightens me I’m going to push myself and try new and exciting things. Who knows I may bring you guys along some of my adventures and upcoming projects. What I do know is that I want to be in love not only with myself but even more in love with this life I get to live. With God always first I want to truly live my best life: loud, unafraid, filled with laughter, and unapologetic. With that being said, here’s to falling in love with Janny 2.0.
Now you know I always leave y’all with a quote but for today I’ll leave two;
“The older I get, the more I realize I don’t want to be last on my list. I deserve to take up intentional and meaningful space in my own life. I cannot be committed to serving others if I am constantly depleted and drained. I want to show up full and nourished in my relationships, not exhausted. Prioritizing myself has to play a part in my life.” – Alex Elle
“She used to believe that healing meant returning to the person she was before the pain. But now, she understands that healing isn’t about going back. It’s about becoming someone new- someone who carries both softness and strength, vulnerability and confidence, and a wisdom shaped by everything she’s been through.” – Unknown
Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!
Love Always,
Janny Mari
One Day at A Time with Janny Mari 