“Take Up Space”

Hello Friends,

How is your week going?  Mine is going… well it’s going haha. It’s been interesting to say the least. I’m currently almost done with Downton Abbey guys! I’m on season 6 which is the last season and the movie comes out tomorrow night but I will be celebrating my nephew’s birthday so will have to find time to watch it. Conveniently I couldn’t have started it at a better time; I didn’t have to wait for the seasons to come out, their movie comes out this week, and Netflix is taking the series out on May 31st. So I’m pretty excited that I’m almost done with it.  How have you been? Hopefully well, summer is right around the corner and to my delight we only have 18 more days of school before I can enjoy a couple weeks off before I start summer school with the kiddos.  Like always I do not know how this post will turn out but I hope it encourages you and empowers you to be the best you. Find a comfy spot, a refreshing drink, maybe some yummy snacks, and let’s chat for a bit.

I really pride myself in being open and transparent with you guys.  If you knew how hard it used to be for me to express my feelings, emotions, and thoughts I’m sure you would be surprised. It’s no secret that one of the topics I talk about is body positivity and you guys have given me a safe place to vent and work out feelings I didn’t realize I had.  Today’s topic will deal with feeling like you take up too much space. In my instance I have felt this both Physically because of my weight and Emotionally because of my personality.  Something that I’ve always felt but never thought of saying out loud was the fact that I felt like I took up too much space.  

I was always aware of my size and how I thought it affected others around me. Growing up instead of feeling sorry for myself I felt sorry to others that I took up more room.  I used to always purposely stay after school waiting for my parents to pick me up because it was easier to wait for a ride than to walk down the aisle of the school bus seeing how my peers didn’t want me to sit with them.  I used to try to get to my bus stop earlier so I could find a seat first so I wouldn’t have to worry. You see, middle school and high school were kinda harsh.  Some people would give me that look like “Oh I hope she doesn’t sit with me” and others would just put their book bag on the spot next to them and say they’re saving it for a friend.  Quite a few times the bus was so crowded that we’d have to sit three to a seat and once in a blue someone would have mercy and I’d sit on a little corner of the seat.  

From then on I would try to make myself smaller, try to take up less space wherever I went so I wouldn’t be a bother to anyone and that’s when I figured it would be easier to just get picked up instead of having to worry about finding a seat.  Now don’t go feeling bad for me, I did have a few friends who would defend me on the bus or would make sure I had room because they knew how I felt.  Not all of middle and highschool was awful because I do have some pretty amazing memories and have had great friendships. It’s just the bad really outweighed the good some of the time.  I remember my parents always asking why I would prefer to wait a long time to get picked up than to go on the bus but at the time I didn’t know how to express myself and it was pretty embarrassing.

Don’t even get me started on going on an airplane, the embarrassment alone of seeing people roll their eyes and hope that I wouldn’t sit with them was the worst.  I don’t think people realize that “overweight” people already feel bad but their faces and comments contribute to us feeling even worse. I can’t thank God enough for my mom though because she is truly a momma bear and would do anything to make sure I was comfortable. She would always make sure we were seated next to each other and when I would be too embarrassed to ask, she would ask for a seatbelt extenders for the both of us so I wouldn’t feel singled out.  I don’t share this to make anyone feel bad but to enlighten those that don’t understand why some of us who are overweight have so many things to be insecure about.

2019, the year I started my weightloss journey. I remember when my friend who is also the gym director asked me what was one of the reasons as to why I joined the gym and it took quite a while for me to open up to him and I told him “honestly I just want to fit comfortably in an airplane and anywhere really.” Now I am a thick girl and someone complimented me this week and he said “Janny you are beautiful and thicker than a bowl of oatmeal, and who doesn’t like oatmeal.”  Honestly his comment made my week because what we may be insecure about others truly treasure or like about us. In being a thick woman, sadly that means my ancestors saw it fit that not only will I be blessed with a voluminous bottom, but they thought I would enjoy a matching set of hips and thighs. If I’m being honest those are a few things I’m insecure about, while others would tell me they wish they had what I have I’d just roll my eyes and say saracstically “sure you do.”

 So in 2019 I didn’t know it at the time but the family I was nannying for had accepted a job offer in Kansas and they wanted me to move with them but I couldn’t and found it hard to move away from my family so instead they flew me out to help them with their kids for a few weeks.

When I tell you my first thought was “I have never traveled alone before and this time I didn’t have mom to sit with or ask for a seatbelt extender.” My thoughts were going a mile a minute; “oh Lord how am I going to do this, I hope I don’t get a middle seat, what if I get lost in the airport.” Y’all when I tell you God is so good!  On the first flight I sat in the back with a dear sweet older lady and on the second flight with a really nice young guy who was going to Kansas to visit his family. I had made sure to ask the flight attendants beforehand for the seat belt extender and they were so kind about it.  For the first flight back I sat alone but on the second and last flight back my greatest fear became a reality, I would be stuck in the middle seat between two strangers. I found my seat and the minute the older guy noticed I would be sitting next to him he rolled his eyes and put the armrest down. Already I found myself trying to become smaller and then another guy came and sat next to me. By this point I felt my eyes water and prayed to God that the next two hours went by quickly. To my surprise the other guy noticed how uncomfortable I was and he kept his armrest up.  I apologized if I was squishing him and he reassured me that I was okay and that I wasn’t squishing him at all. Even though the older man seemed bothered, the other man made sure that I was comfortable and said to stop apologizing because everything was okay.

Sadly, there will be people in this world who will take one look at you and make you wish you were smaller but then there will be people who look at you and love you just the way you are.  You may be wondering if I still feel this way and honestly I feel it less than I did before. I’ll tell you why; because for years of trying to make myself smaller and not saying how I was feeling I finally found my voice and my people. The ones who I felt safe enough to be vulnerable enough and to be clear about these topics aside from my parents. Of course, I could talk to my parents about anything and everything but I feel as children we want to shield them from what hurts us because we don’t want them to hurt for us, which is my case. I never want them to worry if im upset or unhappy but as I grow older I realize that they’re our parents. They know when we’re upset and sometimes they can even guess the cause of it but sometimes just like God they wait for us to come to them and talk when we’re ready.  If yours are anything like my mom they might just invite you for a “cup of coffee” and trap you with them until you open up haha.

Two years ago I was talking to one of my closest friends and I actually stayed in her house for about a month and when I tell you we opened up to each other about so many things. Insecurities, doubts, failures, wants, and dreams.  One night we were watching movies and we were sitting really close and she kept noticing I would move a bit and she asked why I would do that and I mentioned I just didn’t want her to feel squished she looked at me and smacked my arm a few times and said “you are gorgeous and I wish I could look like you and be as confident as you.” Thanks to her and a few people that I treasure with all of my heart and soul they have taught me to love myself in ways I didn’t know was possible. They spoke words of affirmations, letting me know that I was so burdened with my insecurities that I didn’t see what made me gorgeous.  I’ve mentioned it many times before but we truly are our own worst enemies.  I allowed my insecurities of being overweight overshadow how I truly looked. I allowed those insecurities to make me want to take up less space so that others wouldn’t be inconvenienced because of me.

My people and being able to fight all of these doubts, worries, and insecurities have allowed me to overcome so many obstacles in my life. I used to think what man would want to be with a woman my size and ladies let me tell you  A LOT of men want us! This isn’t only for the ladies because men we love us some teddy bears too! But back to the ladies, you would be surprised at how many men love thick women.  The men that have wanted to be with me and continue to try to be with me have shown me that size isn’t the issue and let me tell you a lot of men like us voluptuous women, some are either in denial, don’t want to admit it, and others really are brave enough to shoot their shot.  Now I don’t want my skinny queens and thin men feeling some type because I do believe there is someone out there for every one but for today this is my letter to my thick men and women who take up space with their bodies and personalities. You matter, you are loved, and you are wanted.

I dare you to take a moment to look at yourself in that mirror and instead of seeing flaws see your beautiful features. You are never too much of anything for the right person and like my friends tell me all of the time, a real man or woman doesn’t care about the things we think would bother them; if they do then they’re not a real man or woman.  Someone who is for you will find everything about you beautiful, sexy, and charming.  So if someone is making you feel like you are TOO much for them tell them to go find someone who is LESS because I for one refuse to be with someone who doesn’t absolutely adore me for everything I am and for everything I am not.

I am done with trying to make myself smaller because I feel like I take up too much space, heck I am loud, round, and proud.  So I no longer find myself accommodating to them and you shouldn’t either, instead let them accommodate themselves to you. I knew I finally got over this feeling when I was in my friend’s house not too long ago and we were all sitting on her couch.   I was sitting on the couch with a guy friend and I got up for something when another guy friend sat in my spot. The only available spot was in the middle between them, I stared at it and old me almost thought “well just stay standing” new me said “sit in between them I dare you.” So I listened to new me and sat right down in the middle with no care or worry and you know what they moved a bit to make sure I was good and we all sat comfortably and had a great time. 

To many I know you may find this silly but to those that have to overcome these types of insecurities it is a big thing. There needs to come a time where you need to silence that voice in your head telling you “you’re too much and that you take up too much space.”   When that happens simply tell that voice to shut it and Watch me TAKE UP SPACE.

I leave you with this quote I just found that seems to fit this perfectly:

“You aren’t difficult to love. You aren’t too needy or too much.

You’re just not for everyone. And that’s okay. It’s human and

it’s normal. Every person on the planet has parts of who they are

that are unattractive or unacceptable to certain people.

Every person is someone’s idea of hard to love. But each of us

also embody traits and qualities that make us perfect for someone

else. Each of us have struggles and pieces of our story that don’t

frighten certain people and wouldn’t push them away.

Pieces that make us exactly what they’re looking for and

histories that never make them question our lovability

or worth. And that counts for something.

No matter how many people find you difficult to love, there will

always be others who feel like they’ve struck gold. And no matter

how many turn away, I hope you can trust that there’s nothing

wrong with who you are. That your needs are valid.

That you’re inherently lovable and worthy of

relationships that don’t hurt.

You’re not for everyone, and this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

You’re rare and resilient and have gifts to offer that can’t

be replicated. You know who you are and what you need,

and you shouldn’t ever have to settle for people who love you

poorly. There is better love out there waiting. There are people

better suited to hold your heart. People you haven’t met yet

who will make you forget you ever doubted your value.

People who will laugh when they hear you say you’re difficult

to love. And if you haven’t found them yet, you will

Keep holding out. The love you’re waiting

for, it’s coming.”

•Daniell Koepke

Until our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

P.s For updates on all things One day at a Time with Me follow me on my instagram at: https://www.instagram.com/jannymari/

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“Jireh, You are enough”

*EDIT* I started this post last week but time got the best of me and wasn’t able to finish

Hello My friends,

I know It’s been a while since I posted. How is everyone doing? My last few weeks have been really packed. I feel like I say this all of the time but sometimes I’m even surprised at how busy my weeks get.  It can not go without mention that my beautiful Unnie (Korean for Older sister) Leeyun got married April 31st. It was the most perfect day for the most perfect bride. I had the honor and privilege of being her Maid of Honor and a witness of her marrying her best friend and true love Aaron who I now welcome as my brother. I’m not sure if I mentioned it but the week prior to that we celebrated her Bridal Shower with a Tea Party fit for the queen she is.  Lee, if you’re reading this I absolutely love you and I am beyond blessed to call you Unnie.  Now I don’t know how today’s post will go but isn’t that the beauty of writing, it takes over and becomes its own thing.  Get comfy, take a deep breath and let’s chat for a bit.

Last Thursday I went to a Christian concert with my mom, bro, & his girlfriend. The worship group is called “Elevation Worship” and before you ask yes I did cry, I couldn’t help it! I was a little weary because even though I had heard Steven Furtick preach before I knew others held reservations towards him and my only prayer that night was God I will take the good and if there’s any bad I’ll just leave it. Now because of others voicing their opinions and me not making up my own I had shared that concern with my mom. Why am I bringing this up? Because most of my life I feel like my opinions and thoughts were swayed by certain people I respected and even though I enjoyed some of his preachings I stopped listening because of others comments and such.  At the end of the day the choice of making up your mind or opinions on people & situations should always be up to you. I have learned that everyone has a different perspective and no one should be robbed of how they feel because others want to put their views & perspectives on you. Now, by no means am I endorsing anyone or saying follow this person or that. What I am saying is build a sold foundation in your relationship with God that you can discern and see what is true and what is false. At the end of the day the only thing I do know is that God’s word is truth and life. Not because someone is preaching it but because I believe in God. If something doesn’t add up or sit well in my spirit He will reveal it to me. 

Back to my story; It was such a beautiful night from beginning to end, the worship filled the arena and I was in awe of seeing so many people worship all at once singing as loudly as they can “Jireh, You are ENOUGH.”  Now I’ve heard this song many times before but that night it echoed even louder in my heart. Especially this part of the song:

“Jireh, You are enough

Jireh, You are enough 

I will be content in every circumstance

Jireh, You are enough, 

If He dresses the lilies with beauty and splendor

How much more will He clothe you?

If He watched over every sparrow

How much more does He love you?”

I know this was God reminding me “If I concern myself with the littlest things imagine how much more thought I put into your life.” If the lilies and sparrows don’t worry, why should I? He has everything under His control and I think that we tend to forget that because doubt, worry, and frustration overshadow what He is doing but if we let go of all of those emotions and trust then it’ll be easier to see that He is working for our good.

When he started to preach I was like okay God just tell the world that this is for me but I promise you everyone in that arena probably felt the same way so I won’t be as selfish.  If I’m not mistaken the title of his message was “You’re not what you thought.”  I’ve preached about the woman who bled in the bible many times, I’ve also heard others preach on it but the way he brought it that night had me in tears.  He reminded me of a few things I seem to have forgotten in midst of my trials and battles one of the many points he mentioned that impacted me was:

“My feelings have to submit to My faith”

Boy, when I tell you I felt like God was speaking directly to my heart because I have been submitting my feelings to Him and my faith.  Like I mentioned before this is one of the hardest battles I face because again to deny yourself and carry your cross is hard! It’s hard choosing the higher ground, to choose your faith over your emotions. I have had to tell my emotions daily to submit to my faith because honoring God is more important to me than instant gratification of lashing out or reacting.  When Pastor Steven mentioned that it was like God telling me “Janny Mari,  you’re doing the right thing, even if it’s hard.”  It felt good to know that.

Another point he made was:

“… because she thought, she touched, because she touched she was healed”

Now many of you who read my blog probably aren’t christian and that is perfectly fine. I just don’t want you to be confused as to what I’m mentioning so I will share the biblical portion that Pastor Steven preached on. It is found in Mark 5:25-34 (NIV)

“And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”  Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
 At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”  “You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ “ But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.” 

Because she thought if she could just touch his garment she’d be healed. He went on to talk about the power of our thoughts and how with just a thought we can activate our faith, with just a thought we can change our circumstances.  Our minds have such great power, we can either hype ourselves up and stress out about what we’re going through or choose to think positively and convince ourselves to fight for our blessings.  With just one thought this woman who was tired of bleeding her life away changed her story. Now I’m not telling you just thinking of something and wanting to do something is enough because it’s not. You have to decide, you have to act, come what may, no matter what the crowds are shouting at you no matter what is blocking your way. How badly do you want your miracle? How badly do you want your healing? How badly do you want the narrative of your story to change?  You do know that you and you alone have the power to change it right?

At this point this woman stripped herself of her ego, of her pride, of her shame, of all of the opinions of the people around her and pushed her way through.  To you my friend who is reading this, take it from me that I am learning to strip myself of my pride, ego, doubts, and worries. It isn’t easy but when you become desperate enough to push through the crowd, when you know your healing is within reach it doesn’t matter that people are seeing me cry my heart out in service, it doesn’t matter that they may think I’m crazy for shouting out praise, for declaring victory as I feel defeated because to me my biggest draw back isn’t the crowd it is myself.  If I allow myself to feel defeated then the enemy wins, if I allow comments and opinions to tear me down then the enemy is succeeding, If I allow myself to wallow in self pity then what am I telling God? That He isn’t greater than my problems, that my fears and giants are greater than Him and I for one will not allow that because I know who stands before me and who stands behind me. I know that no matter how much pain I am in, if I can manage to change my thoughts and push myself to believe, then I have already won.  

Another point made was that;

“This woman wasn’t even stepping towards a promise, she was stepping towards a possibility, Now imagine all that God has promised us that we can step towards.”

When I heard him say that I was like God this is so true, she wasn’t even told “Hey, if you touch the hem of my garment you would be healed.” She didn’t have that certainty but what she did have was faith and that is all God is asking from us is to have faith in Him. Isaiah 41:10 says:

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

How beautiful is it that one of His promises is that He is with us and that we shouldn’t fear or worry because He will give us strength and help us.  This woman didn’t have these promises but she did have faith and possibility. Even if something seems impossible this has taught me that no matter what God is always within reach if we want Him badly enough. Some people are just so used to their chains, their addictions, their sufferings that they just accept what comes their way. I don’t want you to just accept what comes your way, I don’t want you to accept defeat. I want you to at least try, to sum up the courage to change your circumstances. Life can be cruel, it may be filled with its droughts and you’re wondering when will it finally rain blessings in my life, when will this season of dryness end. Well let me ask you one thing. What are you doing to prepare for the rain? Are you preparing your life for the blessings you want or are you just waiting for them to fall into your lap? This woman didn’t wait, her desperation didn’t allow her to wait but what she did do is create her own rain, in fact she fought for it. What I am trying to say with this is do not accept defeat so easily put up a good fight and trust in God.

Something  mentioned that really struck a chord with me is that:

“When God doesn’t do something in your life that you thought He would or wanted it’s because He wants to do something bigger than you can even ask for”

That word came to my life when I truly needed it because I have found myself wondering why certain things had to happen the way that they did. Why didn’t the outcome I expected to happen happen? All these feelings and questions and with that simple statement God reminded me that it didn’t happen because it wasn’t His will, it wasn’t His timing, and because He has something bigger and better than I could ever dream of.  Who am I to question God that knows all things and plans everything for my good.  It was like a much needed balm put on a wound in my heart.  Sometimes life doesn’t go as planned, sometimes that person isn’t the one, that job isn’t meant for you. Not because you don’t deserve those things but because what God has for you is so much greater. I am learning to be content in my disappointments because I don’t know what God has planned for me but what I do know is that it will be far much better than what I could ever want or dream for myself.  

There is so much more I can add but then this would become a book instead of a blog post. I just really enjoyed how God ministered to us all that night. Like I said we take the good and if there’s any bad leave it.

I leave you with two quotes that really have impacted me;

“Life doesn’t always turn out how you plan it sometimes, sometimes it turns out better.” – Unknown

“When your life doesn’t go as planned, change your perspective but never stop dreaming.” -Kate Maurice

Until our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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Expecting the Unexpected

Written by: Michelle Martino

Hi friend! My name is Michelle Martino. I enjoy crafting, writing, reading, and spending time with friends. I grew up in the church, but I met Jesus in a large arena. I have an interest in video productions, but I’m no professional. I’m a Spanish teacher, but I’m not a native speaker. Some things in my life don’t add up at first glance. I believe it’s all evidence of how God uses the unlikely and unqualified for His glory. When I view my circumstances in light of who God is, it all makes sense.

I grew up attending the small baptist church down the hill. The one that has a simple brick exterior, a beautiful white steeple, and a vibrant cherry blossom tree by the back door. I’ve known of Jesus for as long as I can remember, but my personal decision to follow him came much later. 

If you’ve ever heard the Billy Sunday quote “going to church doesn’t make you any more Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car,” you’ll understand what I mean. I spent hours upon hours in those wooden pews. However, I wasn’t making more of an effort to know Jesus personally. I knew the Bible stories in my mind. My heart, though, was unfamiliar with His perfect peace, grace, and compassion.

Despite all the Sunday School classes I attended and hymns I memorized, I personally encountered Jesus in an event arena when I was 14 years old. My youth group ladies and I went to a conference for teenage girls. It was there, in the local civic center, that the Lord spoke to my deepest needs and desires. I heard him tell me that I didn’t have to pursue boy bands to feel significant. I didn’t have to strive to fit in at school. He was and always would accept me. He saw me. Only He could define my value.

The Lord could have easily whispered to me at my church, like we might expect, but instead, He met me in that arena. As someone who was obsessed with concerts at the time, His presence in that place speaks volumes of His character. It amplifies the truth that the Lord will meet us where we’re at, not where we should be or want to be. He pursues us based on where we are now. We simply must be open to listening.

After that day when I surrendered my all to Him, God revealed his plans to me. It took time, but I finally discovered my gifts and passions. My availability, my “yes” to God, unlocked the door I felt was closed off for too long. I thoroughly enjoyed video editing, and by a miracle, I immediately got into the highly demanded course at my school. It was after registration filled and the term started, yet God made a way for me. My teacher quickly recognized my strength and pushed me to reach my potential. From there, I also initiated the video production work at my church, where a team of us projected song lyrics, announcements, and images to the congregation. I now attend a larger church and continue to use my gift to glorify God with technology.

I also realized that I have a gift for languages. I almost effortlessly absorbed vocabulary lists and memorized every grammar formula in my Spanish and Italian courses. I decided I wanted to be a world language teacher because I was good at the learning process. As I took college courses, however, I realized it was so much more about effectively communicating and loving others than having a grammatically perfect sentence. This gift would really become my ministry. Comparison tried to rob me of this opportunity when I was warned that I’d never pass the certification tests and I would never be a good enough teacher. I knew Spanish because I learned it in school; I wasn’t a native speaker like the friends I sat next to in class. By a miracle, I passed those exams on my first attempt and landed my dream job immediately after graduation. My profession has become my ministry field; even if I never mention my faith, I reflect Jesus when I encourage and inspire my students.

If anything, friend, I want you to know that God’s peace and joy far outweigh anything the earth has to offer. Ephesians 3:20a says “Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think” (ESV).  His ways are unpredictable, but God will lead you to and through the unique path he designed for you. God does impossible things in unexpected ways…and I hope you watch with me to see what He does next.

About Me

Michelle’s mission is to support others in discovering and activating God’s perfect joy in all seasons. On her blog, she writes about finding joy in the details and through difficult seasons. The joy of the Lord, not the joy of a happy life, is our strength in this world. Connect with her at ConsiderTheJoy.com. 

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To Know God

By: Braley Veras

Hello everyone, 

My name is Braley Veras; a husband, father to two little munchkins and lead pastor of Evidence of Grace Church NYC. I also love music and truly enjoy writing songs. I am what people would call “a pk” which means a pastor’s kid. I grew up running around the pews, messing up the church bathrooms and learning to play almost every instrument. 

This is awesome because it allowed me to grow with a solid foundation and sound theology but it can also lead you down a path where you rely on your parent’s relationship with God and don’t strive to develop one for you. I quickly learned that God is the good of all but He works with you in ways that are unique and helpful for you. It took certain situations in my life to deconstruct the ideologies I grew up with and realize that God wanted to work with me in a different way. 

We are not in an assembly line where we all get the same thing and yes we are all on the path to salvation but that journey is different for everyone. God is a father, He is a friend, He is a counselor and most important He knows ME. He knows the ins and outs of my thoughts, He has seen the situations that I have gone through and knows what He needs to provide. He takes shape to fit into my situation and let me know I am not alone and guess what…neither are you. 

I want to challenge you to desire to know God for you and not through the experiences of others. I can remember my first year of marriage being a tough one financially. I had a good and stable job and one sunday afternoon while playing basketball with my friends, I tore my achilles tendon. This injury changed my life in so many ways. I couldn’t walk for a while, I was in the middle of school, I lost my job and everything turned upside down. 

I want to give a shoutout to my wife because she held it down, so to my fellas out there….FIND A GOOD WIFE. Guess what, I prayed for a miracle and it did not happen and I questioned everything. As I am going through this journey, God is tugging at my heart and shining a light on deficiencies in my life. I was rushing through life, church and family in order to achieve something temporary. God slowed me down in order to deconstruct my theology and teach a valuable lesson.

There are times where God can take you out of a situation and there are times where God walks you through them. In that moment God was walking me through that moment to reveal to me who He was and how we needed to work for me. That season is now just a scar and some pains here and there but a lesson in God’s faithfulness to me. His grace is there even in moments where I am far. 

  • Braley
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“Find a Smaller Shell”

Hey Guys,

How is your week going so far? Y’all I’ve had quite the weekend and can not wait to tell you all about it! Today’s post may seem different or crazy but bear with me cause I know it’ll make sense by the end of it.  This past weekend was beyond amazing and tiring. Friday night I went to a beautiful service where God did His thing! It was a service to bridge the gap between all denominations and non-denominations that serve and follow Christ. To be able to worship so freely, not caring who was next to you, not caring if you ugly cried, not caring about anything but worshiping God in spirit and truth was just everything I needed and then some.  The funny thing was that I had planned on not going and boy would I have missed one of my biggest blessings. The way God spoke and ministered to my heart and soul truly boosted my spirit; I didn’t know whether I should run, jump, cry, shout out praise, or just relish in His presence.  Now I won’t keep you any longer from what we’re going to talk about today so get comfy, tell people to leave you alone for a few minutes, (Are they gone?) Okay, let’s talk.

A few weeks ago I came across a very interesting tiktok, the person started off by saying “stitch this video with something you would’ve never believed but it’s absolutely true.” Then a video of a woman appeared and she was talking about the process of when a hermit crab outgrows its shell and is on the search for a new one.  In the video she stated that when a hermit crab finds a shell on the beach it sizes it up to see if it’s big enough for it to move in and if it’s too big then it will wait next to it for hours waiting for other hermit crabs to come and check it out. They would be at this for hours and they would line up from biggest to smallest until there was a big enough hermit crab to move into the big shell and they would each leave their shell and move into the next one in line. Y’all already know your girl needed more information because I’m a nerd and I was instantly intrigued by this so I did what any sane person would do and continued to search for more information on hermit crabs.

The best information I was able to find to explain this process was found on this site https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermit_crab

Shells and shell competition

“As the hermit crab grows in size, it must find a larger shell and abandon the previous one. Several hermit crab species, both terrestrial and marine, have been observed forming a vacancy chain to exchange shells.[9] When an individual crab finds a new empty shell it will leave its own shell and inspect the vacant shell for size. If the shell is found to be too large, the crab goes back to its own shell and then waits by the vacant shell for up to 8 hours. As new crabs arrive they also inspect the shell and, if it is too big, wait with the others, forming a group of up to 20 individuals, holding onto each other in a line from the largest to the smallest crab. As soon as a crab arrives that is the right size for the vacant shell and claims it, leaving its old shell vacant, then all the crabs in the queue swiftly exchange shells in sequence, each one moving up to the next size.”

As I was absorbing all of this information on hermit crabs and their shells I knew there was something deeper to this and it wasn’t until I was talking to a friend of mines and I was telling him about a few things I was going through, I was venting really but that’s beside the point.  So as I was sharing this information with him which surprisingly he also saw a video on hermit crabs and knew what I was rambling about.  I kept telling him that I know there’s something deeper to this and boom it hit me. As someone who’s single I keep getting told that my standards are too high.  For people who know me they joke around and say “Janny you’re too much.”

After getting told this even jokingly most of my life one really starts to wonder if they are actually too much.  What if I’m too loud? What if I’m too silly? What if I’m too smart? What if I speak my mind too much? What if I’m too pretty? (okay that was more for me haha.) You’re too intimidating, Men want this, men want that. Everyone knows you’re that extra friend. “Janny’s here, watch her try to get all of the attention.”

Some days I laugh these comments off and other days I think about these questions and comments a little too much.  Some people wish they were like you and others hate you because of who you are.  Some days I would find myself trying to be quieter, trying to make myself smaller, trying not to call attention to myself because the irony of it all is that more than half the time I don’t want the attention.  Sometimes I wish people would focus a little less on me, I wish they wouldn’t make a huge show when I come in the room because I don’t like the feeling of being told I’m too much. It’s something I battle with because people know the “Janny’s here! Janny’s bubbly, Janny’s loud, Janny obviously wants the attention.” If I’m completely honest I didn’t want to be perceived in that “Ugh she’s too much, she’s extra,” but something my youngest brother told me this past sunday (when I was nervous about wearing this new dress I got because I thought it was too much ) and he looked me in the eyes and said “Janny You are too much why are you scared to BE too much. This is who you are.”  

Something clicked and I thought you know what I can not lessen myself just because I don’t want people to make comments about me. They’ve been making comments all of my life and it’s never stopped me before. I am loud, I am quiet, I love black clothes but I also love pink, I can’t help that I attract the best people and that they love me just the way I am, as much as I don’t want to be the center of attention it’s something that will always happen.  If I find something really funny I laugh until I start to cough, I’m clumsy and sadly that makes everyone around me want to protect me.  If my head wasn’t attached I’d lose it. I’m constantly getting yelled at “your phone is there, your heels are there, don’t forget this or that.”  I’m either super chill or absolutely chaotic, no in between and you know what I am proud of who I am.  

Why do I share all of this? Because if there is anyone out there like me I do not want you feeling like you’re too much for people or this world if anything they’re too little for you.  You are perfect just the way you are.  Some people made me feel like I was an attention seeker while others would tell me “Janny you are you, you can’t help but to be a light in this world, and for that reason people are drawn to you.”  Some people will envy you because you own who you are and they still can’t figure out who they are.  You don’t need anyone who makes you feel like you need to shrink yourself in order to be a part of them.  You just need to shine like the beautiful person you are, be loud, be quiet, be colorful, or wear all dark clothing. You are the only one living your life and making the best memories.  

I truly am sorry if anyones made you feel like you’re too much, who’s made you feel weird or awkward and honestly who wants to be normal anyway that’s boring. If they have ever made you feel badly about yourself then maybe it’s time to rethink who you surround yourself with.  Let’s thank God that we are seasoned and flavored with life, that we are intriguing, unique, and original. That we add color to any room we step in, that people instantly smile when they see us because we make them feel loved and make them laugh.

Oh and before I forget, A note to the men who may have felt threatened by the force of nature that I am, who have been too scared to actually step up, who thought that they could play with my emotions, who aren’t man enough to admit that I’m too much for them to handle. Step aside and allow whoever the man God has for me to come and find me because obviously my shell is too big for you. So (respectfully) go find a smaller shell.

I leave you with this quote,

“You will always be too much of something for someone: too big, too loud, too soft, too edgy.  If you round out your edges, you lose your edge.  Apologize for mistakes. Apologize for unintentionally hurting someone- profusely.  But don’t apologize for being who you are.” – Danielle Laporte 

Until our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies! 

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“But GOD!”

Hey Guys, 

*EDIT* It’s Tuesday but I started to write this last Friday.

It’s finally Friday! When I tell you it has been quite the week, y’all your girl was going through it! Before I get to that I just wanna add that the writers of “Downton Abbey” are messed up! They got me in my feelings every episode to bring me happiness and crush me all in one episode like what’s up with that. For those of you who don’t keep up with my posts and are wondering “what is she going on about.” Tuesday I shared in my post about how I recently got into watching “Downton Abbey” and let’s just say the writers don’t have any mercy.  Anywho it is such a beautiful day today, how’s the weather like where you’re from? Spring is finally here and hopefully ready to stay because this cold weather has to go.  So grab a snack, some tea or coffee and let’s talk for a bit because today I have a lot to say.

Life’s been kind of a roller coaster lately, filled with twists and unexpected turns. I had mentioned to a friend of mine that I feel like my life is a Netflix series and the writers are figuring out “how can we make her week interesting? Should it be a happy episode, sad, funny? Should we add a plot twist and make it interesting.” I have literally found myself in situations where I say out loud “I can not be making this up? Is this really my life?”  Before you start to think dang what the heck is she going through let me preface by saying that I am beyond grateful for my life. I just think God has an amazing sense of humor.

I genuinely feel that one of life’s greatest battles is with oneself.  Especially as a Christian I’ve found myself saying all the time that “People think that being a Christian is easy and honestly it isn’t.” It’s hard to deny reacting to people and situations the way that you want to.  I have never and never will paint myself as a perfect Christian because I’m not. I get angry, I get frustrated, days when I feel I want to be left alone and unbothered.  I’m not always all smiles and when I feel hurt or upset I become very silent.  You see, my prayer is always “God, if whatever I say is going to hurt them or if it’s a reaction to how I feel, let me bite my tongue.”  That is where it gets hard to be a follower of Christ because it is in our nature to argue and to make people feel as badly as we feel. If we are betrayed we want them to feel betrayed, if they make us jealous we want to make them jealous, if they talk badly about us at work we want to be able to talk badly about them but there is a BUT in all of this; BUT God.  If it  weren’t for His love and mercy I’m telling you I don’t know where I’d be.

The Ego is a very funny thing, it tends to get bruised easily and we feel the need to justify any wrong doing that’s come against us.  Let’s face it, some people have enough Ego to power the world and I’m not going to pretend I’m on some pedestal because we all have some Ego in all of us.  Some let their egos consume them and others as we should try every single day not to feed into it.  That is why I say one of the biggest battles is with oneself because once we feel betrayed  or hurt whether it be by relatives, friends, or coworkers then our flesh wants to come out and act crazy.  I have had the pleasure of going through quite a few moments of betrayal and hurt and I’m not going to lie. I wanted to react, I wanted to argue, I wanted people to know that I knew what was being said and how they were talking about me but God! This week was one of those weeks when you go to your room, lights off, and just ugly cry in the presence of the Lord.  

I hope those of you who follow Christ have a good enough relationship with Him to know that He truly meant what He said when He said, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28  The minute after I cried and told God everything I was feeling I instantly fell asleep and woke up the next day at 4:11 am.  I remember getting ready to shower and I told God “God I don’t need or want to make anyone feel horribly for what they’ve done and said. Not once have you called me out and said awful things instead you have given me the gift of peace and have allowed peace to grow in me in the midst of this situation.” That whole day I was just grateful for God’s peace, understanding, and love. If that isn’t growth then I don’t know what is.  

You see I can’t preach what I don’t live and I can’t be sincere if I’m not being honest about the ugly sides of life. Like a good friend says all the time “Sometimes I just wish we can ‘Minka maka mooka’ people” which in his words is sometimes we wish we can knock people out and let the flesh take over but because we serve a powerful God we choose to please Him rather than ourselves.  That is the importance of having a prayer life and a good relationship with God because if we didn’t it’d be so much easier to act on our anger and frustration.  Proverbs 14:29 says “He who is slow to wrath has great understanding, But he who is impulsive exalts folly”

We as Christians or even decent human beings can not be so quick with our words or actions.  I have been praying daily that I respond in a way that is out of understanding and not out of a reaction. I pray that I always understand that not everyone is mature enough and some people really just choose violence every day and are just bitter inside.  So we can either choose to react, choose to respond in a better way, but remember not everything needs a response or reaction instead pray about it all. I’m not only saying this to people who believe in God but to everyone just breathe, step away from the person or situation. Take time for yourself and decide what is best for you. As much as our ego wants to be like “mess them up, let them know you know, or hurt them back.” Please choose peace and be thankful that you’re seeing these sides to people because it’s better to know who isn’t for you now than to find out later on. Set your boundaries, I can’t stress how important this is. Not everyone is your best friend and that’s okay there is a quote I saw on instagram that said “ You are the CEO of your life; Hire, Fire, and Promote accordingly.”

Life is ever changing and so are the people around you, it took me a while to learn that it is okay to outgrow people.  Some people are meant as a lesson, some are meant to be with you for a season, and some are meant for a lifetime. Learn what you have to from them, allow yourself to grow with or without them, and take your time in finding your forever people.  I haven’t found all of mine and neither will you but the ones that I have now that I know will continue in my life are amazing people. People who take one look at me and instantly know something is wrong.  People who can make my day with a text or call.  People who have a lot of the same values and characteristics as me. What can I say “Birds of a feather flock together.”  It is because of God, my family, and my tribe that it’s easy to overlook when others wrong me, it is their constant support, and understanding that help me through some pretty tough times.

I wish I could tell you guys it all gets easier but it doesn’t.  These things still hurt and cut you like a fresh wound but God will make all things new in their time.  Trust in Him and know that vengeance is His and He will not leave or forsake you. He is a just God and He will make things right.  Do not allow your feelings to get the best of you.  As I talked to God to let Him know how I was feeling He reminded me about my prayer of wanting to love like Him and He spoke to my heart and said “You want to love like me but you must also receive the hurt that I receive and forgive the way that I forgive.” 

Everything has its reason, its season, and its time and if God is allowing it then it’s for us to grow and learn from it.

I leave you with this quote that has impacted me because my friends are always asking me how my heart hasn’t changed after all of these years.

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.”

— Iain Thomas

Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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Personal Life Private, Lifestyle Public:

Hey My Loves,

How are you guys doing this week? Last week was my Spring Break and so I took a break and didn’t post last week. As much as I would like to share how it went, I may have to wait until my next post to write about it.  It’s pouring today and I honestly just wanted to stay home.  At the moment I’m binge watching Downton Abbey.  Years ago there was this huge hype around it but I never really got into it but because of the time I had off I thought why not see what the fuss was about. I honestly didn’t think I’d become so invested in it yet here I am already on season 3 haha.  If there is one thing I haven’t mentioned about myself is that I am a hopeless romantic and I love anything to do with history, books, movies, and shows that took place in that era. Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong generation just because I feel like my heart was made for a different time and I can be quite old fashioned.  So, get comfy and let’s talk for a little.

I’ve been wanting to talk about this for awhile and didn’t know when I’d write about this but about a week ago one of my closest friends sent me a post through instagram that said “I can post on social media all day and still live a life you know nothing about” and she said “I feel like this is you, you post a lot but are so private at the same time.”  So that was kind of my green light to go ahead and talk about this.

As you guys may have noticed I love vlogging, I love to take pictures, videos, and write about my day.  To be honest I don’t know why I started to share about my day and adventures, I just like being able to capture nice moments in my life.  I had mentioned to a friend of mine that I feel like I annoy people with my posts and stories and he was quick to shut that down and said “nah, it’s like your life story on here.” I would’ve never seen it that way if it wasn’t for him so I definitely appreciate him.  Some people choose to use their social media and platforms for many different reasons; I use mine to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ and to share and document my life. Kind of like an open Diary.

You see, I think people who don’t know me may misunderstand me.  I’m not someone who likes to brag and say this is where I’m going, this is what I have, my life is better. That just isn’t who I am but I do love to share experiences.  I love to share the beauty I experience with others and take them along with me on adventures. Whether it be how pretty my coffee came out, the shapes of the clouds, trying a new Ice cream flavor.  Life should always be filled with adventure no matter how big or small and if I can show others that you can have fun no matter your size, shape, gender, color then my goal is complete.

There were so many things I was afraid to do because I would think “What would people say, would they laugh at me? Would they make fun of me?” If I can be truthful these thoughts happen all of the time and I have to fight them away and overcome them because who cares what others think.  I don’t have time to waste on those thoughts when I can be living my best life.  I grew tired of what ifs and missing out on so many things because I was afraid to try new things.  The minute I threw all of those worries and doubts away was the minute I started to live my life to the fullest.  I started to see life differently and if that can happen with me then it is my hope that it happens to you.  That you see life filled with possibilities, filled with magical moments, and moments of wonder and courage.  That you start to live your life unapologetically YOU. 

I am not someone who feels the need to let the world know when someone has wronged me and calling them out, nor do I feel the need to use my platform to belittle others, or show off.  I hope that those who genuinely know me or want to get to know me know that I just want to share my life with you ‘One day at a time.’  That I can be transparent when I’m going through a rough moment and use it to learn from, heal, grow, and encourage others.  I thrive in keeping my life private because it is special to me.  I don’t need the world knowing that part of me because it is very intimate and valuable to me. So it is important that I keep my Personal life private but my Lifestyle public.  

You may ask yourself why do I feel the need to share my life with others and like I mentioned earlier it’s because I don’t want anyone to doubt like I did. I want you to know that you can have beautiful moments and that you can also encourage others to have their own. I want you to thrive and feel comfortable in your skin and know that it’s okay to enjoy life. I get so many messages saying “ I didn’t know this place existed.  Where are you now?  I want to try that food too.  I want to take pictures there too.  Where do you shop at? How can I be photogenic like you”  When I get messages like that they truly make my day because I don’t post anything selfishly and if I can push someone out of their comfort zone to explore something new then that brings me extreme joy.  I don’t want you stuck feeling like you’re in a fishbowl living the same day over and over again.  I want you to look around, break out of your norm, try new foods, explore new places, get lost for a little, dare to dream of bigger adventures.

I want you to know that it is okay to post about your life but make sure you know where the line is with your personal life and set boundaries because not everyone needs to mind your business. A word of advice given to me by my mother, “There will be people who are for you and there will be people in your life who envy you and only want access to you to speak against you and keep track of you.” It is your choice what and how much you want others to know. There is nothing wrong with keeping personal things to yourself because let’s face it, no one needs to know what plans you’re working on, what moves you’re making, or your love life if you choose not to share it. I can’t complain because I have some of the best people in my life but I won’t lie and say I don’t have people in my life who judge me because I do but I choose peace over arguing or trying to defend myself.  My actions, character, and words will speak louder than the opinions of others and as much as we don’t want someone talking badly about us it’s pretty inevitable whether they truly know you or not. No matter what you do good or bad you will be judged because sadly people don’t have better things to do with their lives. That is why I urge you not to be so willing to share your personal life with too many people because you never know to the core who they are as a person.  Have your select few who you can trust and share your life with because not everyone is a friend, some are just wolves dressed in sheep clothing.  It is sad because I myself as a person want the best for everyone and even though sometimes comments may upset me I just choose to see it as some people are just not happy with their life and they are the only ones who can change it.

My friends, I choose joy, peace, love, and forgiveness daily because I refuse to let the envy or bitterness of others rule how I live my life. Whether people choose to see what I post as a positive or negative it’s up to them.  I hope that my sincerity can be felt in everything I say or post but I have no control over how you or others perceive it. SO please do not apologize or feel guilty for wanting to live a good life and for sharing your joy with others.  You have no idea the happiness I feel in seeing my friends posts whether it’s big or small, exciting or mundane. I’m just grateful to see glimpses of who they are and share in their excitement, share in their victories and sympathize in their tough times

So to the beautiful person who is reading this I encourage you to plan that trip, go away for the weekend and explore a new town or city.  Buy that dress or shirt, post that selfie, please snap a picture of your meal, try that new dessert and let me know how it was, post a video of where you’re exploring because I for one would love to see it. Be you and do you boo because at the end of the day you’re the only one that can tell your story. 

I leave you with this quote from my girl JLo:

“There is no reason to ever be ashamed of where you’re at. Not when you’re doing your best. Not when you’re in your best moment. There’s always gonna be people to tell you no. Or “You can’t.” Or “You shouldn’t.” It’s gonna happen. No matter what anybody says, you just have to still be like, “I’m still doing this. I’m still gonna succeed. I’m still gonna do my best.” Defy the odds. Why not?” – Jennifer Lopez 

Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“Lighthouse”

Hello Friends,

It is finally Friday, I don’t know about you but where I live it’s been raining all week. Don’t get me wrong I love the rain but honestly it makes me feel so sleepy and it tempts me to stay home in my sweats instead of getting ready to go to work.  Last post a lot of you were surprised to read the fact that I enjoy Crime shows & Documentaries. Should I share more facts about myself? What else would you guys like to know about me? You can comment here or even follow me on Instagram @Jannymari.  I’d really love to hear from you guys. Now I hope this post finds you well whether it be at home or at work (I promise I won’t tell on you.)  So get cozy and let’s talk for a bit.

I recently read a quote about lighthouses and I want to share it with you, it says:

“I am lighthouse rather than lifeboat. I do not rescue, but instead help others to find their own way to shore, guiding them by my example.” – Unknown 

Reading this quote reminded me of when I visited Cape Cod with one of my closest friends last November.  I remember staring at the lighthouse in awe and being thankful that even though I’m not a fisherman or at sea daily I can appreciate what it does and represents. I had never been so close to a lighthouse before and for those that know me of course I took many pictures with it. I know I know I’m rambling aren’t I? Alright let’s get to it.

This quote impacted me in such a way that it truly made me think and evaluate my past self.  You see Old Janny thought of herself as a lifeboat, I was someone that if I knew you were falling and needed help I’d be there for you. I would exhaust my energy into making sure you were okay.  I can’t tell you the number of times I had lost sleep over worrying about someone else, taking their problems and burdens and making them my own.  I literally made it my business to try to save them, and you want to know what the sad part of this is? It’s that I did things not for my own benefit but out of love, it didn’t matter that I was exhausting myself, that I was staying up late trying to figure out a way to help, or that I myself was falling spiritually, emotionally, and mentally.  

That’s the hard thing about loving hard. We think we can save the world when at the end of the day it’s not our place or job to.  One of my biggest mistakes in life was putting others before me and not setting boundaries sooner. I know it sounds hard but it’s something that as a Giver you need to learn that it’s okay to say no and to not be available because people who are Takers don’t seem to know when to stop taking. Trust me I learned the hard way that sometimes people are only in your life because of what you have to offer and in their minds they think you will always be willing to help.  

The funny thing is that a lifeboat is very useful until it has a hole in it, then if it’s a small hole you might use that lifeboat until the hole gets bigger and you realize that more water is coming inside. Do you think that a person who’s in a lifeboat with a hole in it will save the lifeboat or themselves?  If your answer is “the person will leave the lifeboat” then you are 100% correct.  You see I was the lifeboat and instead of water weighing me down it was my problems and the problems of others.  There came a time when the ones I was helping realized that it would be easier to help themselves than to help me, they didn’t realize that I was drowning, that I was sinking.  

It was a hard lesson to learn but very much needed and from that moment on I realized I wasn’t a lifeboat I was a lighthouse.  God never intended me to save the world and put burdens on myself that should only be given to Him. I’m not God, I can’t save anyone, I can only guide them to the One who truly saves.  Last year a close friend of mine was going through a very tough situation and after our phone call I felt so burdened.  I had trouble sleeping that night and I noticed that for a brief moment “Janny the Lifeboat” wanted to come out. All I could think of was “How could I help them, this is a tough situation, how can I make it better.” Even as I was on my way to work I felt such a heaviness in my heart and felt myself on the verge of tears. It wasn’t until I cried out to God and told Him that I couldn’t do this that He spoke to me and said “It was never your burden to take. It’s not your job to fix it, it’s mine so give it all to me.”  The relief I felt in that moment was everything. I could finally breathe and knew that God was right, I can be a shoulder to lean on, I can hear people out and help them to my best ability, but I can not save them.

I know that as caretakers we think we can save the world but it’s not our job to it’s God’s and last I checked He sent His only Son just for that job.  

John 3:16 says:

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

So who are we to try to take over God’s job?  I don’t know about you but God didn’t say to me “Hey Janny Mari I need help saving the world so take all of their burdens and fix it kay? Thanks Bye.”  He has called me to love through it all and to be a light in the midst of this darkness.

 Matthew 5:14-16 says

“You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.”

I am a lighthouse, guiding others when others have seemed to have lost their way.  Do you know how important that job is? I’m not the only one called to do this, we all are. Something that I love about a lighthouse is that it was built to shine no matter the circumstances it finds itself in. It was built to shine in midst of darkness, in midst of the worst storms, and the calmest of days.  You may ask where am I going with this and honestly I just want you to know that you we were made to withstand all of your trials and tribulations.  I’m not saying it won’t be hard what I’m saying is that God will never allow you to go through something that will ruin you or dull your light.

John 16:33

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

A beautiful promise to hold on to that even though the world is full of hardships He has overcome them all and with Him we can overcome them as well.

There are days when I don’t feel like much of a light and I thank God for the people who He has placed into my life. This weekend two of my friends [well they’re more like family] they came down and on our way to the store they spoke life into me. I don’t need compliments, I don’t look for validation but God used these two to fill me up with joy and peace. As much as you guys may think I’m strong and don’t need anyone to lean on that’s not the case all of the time. Sometimes I enjoy not having to be strong, I enjoy being vulnerable and open with a select few who also understand. I am very blessed to have these two people in my life who I’ve had the privilege of seeing them grow and make a name for themselves.  They said so many beautiful things to me and I just want them to know that as much as they love me I truly love them.

For those of you who seem to always be the strong ones remember, there is more than one lighthouse and it’s okay if you’re too tired to shine sometimes because that allows others to shine for you when you need it the most.  I am blessed to have beautiful, strong, amazing lighthouses in my life. We do not envy each other for our light instead we understand what it took for us to shine in our life and appreciate on another for it. 

My question to you is “in your life at this very moment are you a lifeboat or a lighthouse? ” I can’t answer this question for you, only you can.  Only you can choose what you allow yourself to be as in others lives and as you have read from my experience it has been exhausting trying to be a lifeboat.  It is my hope that you have also come to this realization and if you haven’t I want you to know that you can still decide whether you allow yourself to sink or shine.  I usually don’t advise people to be selfish but in circumstances like this you need to.  The only one who you will live with for your entire life is yourself and you need to know that you are worth more than someone’s transportation to safe ground. You deserve to shine bright, to lead, to help when you can and to pray and give it to God when you can’t.

I wish I could say there will never be darkness and tough times in your life but I’d love to remind you that light shines the brightest in darkness just look at the stars and the Moon. As much as we would like to avoid it, what really says something about a person’s character is how bright they shine even when they are given every reason not to.

I leave you guys with this beautiful quote I read:

“If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.” Rumi

So my beautiful friends, allow yourself to accept that darkness is a part of your life but do not let it consume the light that is within you. It is okay to choose to be a lighthouse and if anyone asks tell them I gave you full permission to choose yourself first and if you are able to help than you may but prioritize your life and your boundaries.

Until our next unpacking, have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“Al lugar que se siente como en casa”

Hola amigos,

La semana apenas comienza, el clima todavía está por todas partes y, aunque el fin de semana acaba de terminar, no puede llegar lo suficientemente pronto. ¿Cuáles son algunos de tus pasatiempos favoritos? Me encuentro disfrutando de las pequeñas cosas como ir a casa y ponerme mis pjs, ponerme al día con Blue Bloods (lo reinicié desde la temporada 1 el mes pasado y ahora creo que casi he terminado con la temporada 12). Lo que aún no conocen de mí es que me encantan los programas sobre crímenes y todo lo que tenga que ver con los documentales sobre crímenes y los crímenes sin resolver. Todavía no me he metido en Podcasts, pero un amigo me recomendó algunos recientemente, así que que tengo que escucharlos. Sin embargo, basta de eso, acomódese en su silla con sus refrigerios preferidos y calcetines  y hablemos un poco.

Como mencioné en mi última publicación, fui a un concierto el martes pasado por la noche con mi mamá y mi tía. ¡Era el “Hits Deep Tour” de Tobymac cuando les digo que no estaba preparada para la cantidad de lágrimas que derramé esa noche! Me impactaron tanto los artistas, sus palabras y sus canciones. Primero me gustaría hablar sobre Terrain y lo increíblemente talentosa que es. Una de sus canciones que me habló es:

Permaneció en Él- Terreno

“Sí, Su santidad llena el templo

Todavía tomó mi pecado y mi vergüenza

No merecía ser rescatado

Todavía me ha llamado por mi nombre

Me mantendré firme con confianza

Hasta que vuelva, hasta que vuelva

Mantendré mi mente, me quedé en Él

Hasta el final, hasta el final”

Esta canción me recordó que no importa lo que pase, solo tengo que mantener mi mente en Jesús. Sé que es más fácil decirlo que hacerlo debido a las distracciones que conlleva vivir en este mundo, pero hay algo que decir de alguien que intencionalmente mantiene sus pensamientos en Dios. El verso que comparte con esta canción es Isaías 26:3 que dice:

“Tú guardarás en completa paz a aquel cuyo pensamiento en ti persevera; porque en ti ha confiado.”

Se nos recuerda que la única forma de tener paz es mantener nuestra mente, nuestros pensamientos, nuestras oraciones en Dios porque Él es el único que nos librará de las ansiedades, la depresión, la ira y el odio. Así que de ahora en adelante, aunque mi semana vaya bien o mal, me aseguraré de seguir cantando “Mantendré mi mente en Él”.

El siguiente grupo que quería mencionar es Cain the Band, cuando les digo que este trío de dos hermanas y su hermano me destrozaron de una manera tan hermosa. No solo escuchar acerca de cómo son hijos de pastores, sino también escuchar cómo hablaban de su amor por Dios conmovió mi corazón. Vivimos en una época donde la gente se avergüenza de hablar de Cristo y su amor por Él, pero estar en un lugar lleno de seguidores de Cristo y escuchar canciones dedicadas a Él conmovió y fortaleció mi espíritu. La canción que cantaron se llama:

La Comisión – Cain the Band

Mira mis manos y mira mis pies

Está bien si es difícil de creer

tengo fe que harás cosas mas grandes

Es mi hora de irme pero antes de irme

Ve y cuéntale al mundo sobre mí

Estaba muerto pero ahora vivo

Tengo que irme ahora por un rato

Pero adiós no es el final

No olvides las cosas que te enseñé

He vencido a la muerte y tengo las llaves

A donde yo voy irás tú también, algún día

Pero hay mucho que hacer aquí antes de que te vayas

Ve y cuéntale al mundo sobre mí

Estaba muerto pero ahora vivo

Tengo que irme ahora por un rato

Pero el adiós no es el

Fin del viaje, el final del camino

Mi espíritu está contigo dondequiera que vayas.

tu tienes un propósito y yo tengo un plan

Te haré esta promesa

Volveré otra vez, pero hasta entonces.

Ahora bien, esta es la primera vez que escucho esta canción y cuando te digo me senté allí con lágrimas rodando por mi rostro porque mi mayor misión en la vida es hablarle al mundo acerca de Jesús. Para decirles a todos los que conozco que hay esperanza, hay perdón y hay amor para todos los que están perdidos y abatidos. Ya sea por mis acciones, mis palabras o mi carácter, quiero que el mundo sepa que quién soy se resume en dos palabras: “Soy suyo”. El pensamiento de que Él vino por pecadores como yo para salvar y sanar, no puedo evitar dedicar mi vida a Él. Le he dicho esto a dos personas y, por supuesto, voy a compartir esto con todos ustedes que últimamente he notado que mi adoración y alabanza a Dios ha sido diferente, sí, está lleno de gratitud pero está lleno de propósito, donde yo pueda clamar y declararle a Dios que lo mejor de mí es y siempre será Él.

Hay muchas otras bandas de esa noche que vale la pena mencionar, pero la última de la que me gustaría hablar es la que provocó esta publicación y es Cochren & Co. específicamente cuando cantó “Church (Take me back)”. Se que esta es una canción popular, pero esa noche realmente me tocó de una manera diferente y antes de que preguntes sí, estaba llorando. Ahora  compartiré algunas de las letras con ustedes para que puedan entender mejor por qué estaba llorando una vez más.

Iglesia (Llévame de vuelta) – Cochren & Co.

Hubo un tiempo que juré que nunca volvería

Estaba ciego a la verdad, no sabía lo que tenía

estaba corriendo, estaba buscando

Pero cada lugar al que recurrí para curarme

Me dejó más roto que el anterior

Llévame de vuelta

Al lugar que se siente como en casa

A las personas en las que puedo confiar

A la fe que está en mis huesos

Llévame de vuelta

A un predicador y un verso

Donde me han visto en mi peor momento

Al amor que tuve al principio

Oh, quiero ir a la iglesia

Intenté caminar solo pero terminé perdido

Ahora estoy haciendo mi camino al pie de la cruz

No es un trofeo para los ganadores.

Es un refugio para los pecadores.

Y es justo donde pertenezco

Llévame de vuelta

Al lugar que se siente como en casa

A las personas en las que puedo confiar

A la fe que está en mis huesos

Llévame de vuelta

A un predicador y un verso

Donde me han visto en mi peor momento

Al amor que tuve al principio

Oh, quiero ir a la iglesia

quiero ir a la iglesia

Oh, más que una obligación

es nuestra base

la familia de dios

sé que es duro

Pero nos necesitamos unos a otros

somos hermanas y hermanos

Mientras cantaba y la letra brillaba audazmente en el fondo, finalmente comprendí lo que él estaba cantando. Mira, todo este tiempo solo conocía el coro de la canción y mientras leía esta letra a través de todas las lágrimas que llenaban mis ojos, me quedé congelada en mi lugar. Mi corazón quería salirse de mi pecho cuando escuché que la habitación se llenaba con estas palabras:

 “Llévame de regreso al lugar en el que me siento como en casa A las personas en las que puedo confiar A la fe que está en mis huesos Llévame de regreso A un predicador y un verso Donde me han visto en mi peor momento Al amor que tuve al principio Oh, quiero ir a la iglesia”

En ese mismo momento, todo lo que podía pensar era en mi iglesia, la iglesia que ha sido mi refugio seguro desde que tenía 16 años. La iglesia que me ha visto crecer, me ha visto pasar por la angustia y el autodescubrimiento. La iglesia que me ha visto en mi punto más bajo y más alto. Para los que llevamos muchos años yendo a una iglesia creo que no aprovechamos lo que tenemos. No sé ustedes, pero yo tengo una familia allí que está más cerca de mí que la mía. Oran por mí, me cuidan y me envuelven en sus brazos cuando ya no puedo más. Como todas las familias, no somos perfectos, a veces nos ponemos de los nervios, y como nos conocemos desde hace mucho tiempo, solemos dar consejos sobre todo, se quiera o no.

 Anoche, algunos de nosotros decidimos ir a Walmart porque queríamos seguir pasando tiempo juntos. Literalmente me han visto en casi todas las etapas de mi vida incómoda y radiante, pero lo hermoso es cuando podemos decir “oye, recuerda esto o recuerda cuando estuvimos aquí”. Me encanta la relación que tengo con mi iglesia y las personas que están ahí. Que los ancianos me cuiden o me defiendan incluso cuando le estoy haciendo una broma a alguien. Me encanta que en verano planifiquemos bbqs  y durante todo el año planeamos noches de bowling y cine. Me encanta lo reales que podemos llegar a ser el uno con el otro y que cuando es el momento de ser serios, somos serios y cuando es el momento de bromear, jugamos.

Me encanta que podamos ser honestos el uno con el otro y estar allí el uno para el otro cuando estamos deprimidos. Quiero dedicar este post a mi familia, mi Iglesia.  Una iglesia que por muy lejos que nos desviemos es un faro que nos guía de regreso.

A mi iglesia, los amo y estoy eternamente agradecida por el hecho de que incluso cuando pensaba que no estaba lista, mi pastor seguía tocando a mi puerta invitándome a la iglesia y por guiarme y mostrarme lo que es un verdadero pastor. Por su amor incondicional y por ser mi Padre espiritual. A mi Pastora que ha luchado y orado por mi alma de maneras que no puedo imaginar, por conocerme y empujarme a ser mejor y crecer. A mis hermanos y hermanas en Cristo, gracias por las innumerables noches llenas de lágrimas, risas y discusiones a corazón abierto. Por las noches que nos trasnochamos compartiendo palabras de aliento y por momentos en los que entendíamos el silencio del otro. No creo que sería la mujer que soy hoy sin Dios y sin ustedes. Ustedes me han levantado en mis momentos de necesidad, le han dado la palabra a mi espíritu cuando me sentía débil, me han levantado las manos cuando sentía que no podía, se han aferrado a mí cuando no tenía la fuerza estar de pie Por los innumerables factimes grupales y “dónde comemos después de la iglesia”. Por poner personas en mi vida sin las cuales no me puedo imaginar vivir sin ellos. Por amarme en mi peor momento y por celebrar mis bendiciones conmigo. Doy gracias a Dios por crear un espacio donde realmente puedo decir: “Llévame de vuelta al lugar que se siente como en casa, el hogar de las personas en las que puedo confiar”.

Todos saben que tengo que dejarles una cita y aquí va:

“Los amigos nos levantan cuando nos caemos, y si no pueden levantarnos, se acuestan y escuchan un rato.”- Desconocido

Con todo eso dicho; aquí está para ti Iglesia Pentecostal Jehova Es Mi Luz / Pentecostal Church Jehovah Is My Light (mi hermoso refugio imperfecto para los perdidos, enfermos y elegido)

Gracias por casi 13 años increíbles de compañerismo y si Dios quiere vamos por muchos más.

Con Amor,

Janny Mari

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“To the Place that Feels like Home”

Hello Friends,

The week is just beginning, weather is still all over the place and even though the weekend just ended it can’t come soon enough.  Hope this post finds you well and in good health, I’m currently a bit under the weather allergy season is definitely the worst.  What are some of your favorite past times? I find myself enjoying the little things like going home and changing into sweats, catching up on Blue Bloods (I restarted it from season 1 last month and now I think I’m almost done with season 12.)  If there’s one thing you guys don’t know about me yet is that I absolutely love Crime Shows and everything to do with Crime documentaries and unsolved crimes. I haven’t gotten into Podcasts yet but a friend recently recommended some so I may have to check them out.  Enough about that though, nestle into your chair with your preferred snacks and fluffy socks and let’s chat for a bit.

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, I went to a concert last Tuesday night with my mom and aunt.  It was Tobymac’s “Hits Deep Tour” when I tell you I was not prepared for the number of tears I shed that night! I was so impacted by the artists, their words, and their songs. If I could fully just dive into a few of the ones that impacted me the most. First I would like to speak about Terrain and how insanely talented she is. One of her songs that spoke to me is:

Stayed on Him- Terrain

“Yeah, His holiness fills up the temple

Still He took my sin and my shame

I didn’t deserve to be rescued

Still He has called me by name

I’ll stand firm with confidence

‘Til He comes again, ’til He comеs again

I’ll keep my mind, stayed on Him

‘Til the very еnd, ’til the very end”

This song reminded me that no matter what I go through I just have to keep my mind on Jesus. I know it’s easier said than done because of the distractions that come with living in this world but there is something to be said of someone who intentionally keeps their thoughts on God. The verse that she shares with this song is Isaiah 26:3 which says:

“ You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You.”

We are reminded that the only way to have peace is to keep our mind, our thoughts, our prayers on God because He is the only one to deliver us from anxieties, depression, anger, and hate. So from now on, even if my week is going well or bad, I will make sure to keep singing “I will keep my mind staying on Him.”

The next group I wanted to mention is Cain the Band, when I tell you this trio of two sisters and their brother wrecked me in such a beautiful way! Not only hearing about how they’re Pastor’s kids but also just hearing about how they spoke of their love for God warmed my heart.  We live in a time where people are ashamed to speak of Christ and their love for Him but to be in a place filled with followers of Christ and to hear songs dedicated to Him moved and strengthened my spirit. The song that they sang is called: 

The Commision– Cain the Band

See my hands and look at my feet

It’s okay if it’s hard to believe

I have faith you will do greater things

It’s my time to go but before I leave

Go tell the world about me

I was dead but now I live

I’ve gotta go now for a little while

But goodbye is not the end

Don’t forget the things that I taught you

I’ve conquered death and I hold the keys

Where I go you will go too, someday

But there’s much to do here before you leave

Go tell the world about me

I was dead but now I live

I’ve gotta go now for a little while

But goodbye is not the

End of the journey, the end of the road

My spirit is with you wherever you go

You have a purpose and I have a plan

I’ll make you this promise

I’ll come back again but until then

Now this is the first time I heard this song and when I tell you I sat there with tears rolling down my face because my greatest mission is life to tell the world about Jesus. To tell everyone I know that there is hope, there is forgiveness, and there is love for all who are lost and downcast.  Whether it be by my actions, my words, or my character I want the world to know that who I am is summed up in three words “I am His.”  The thought that He came for sinners like me to save and to heal I can’t help but dedicate my life to Him.  I’ve told two people this and of course I’m going to share this with y’all that lately I’ve noticed my worship and praise to God has been different, yes it’s filled with gratitude but It’s filled with purpose, where I can cry out and declare to God that the best part of me is and will always be Him.

There are so many other bands from that night worth mentioning but the last one I’d like to talk about is the one that provoked this post and that’s Cochren & Co. specifically when He sang “Church (Take me back)” Now I know this is a popular song but that night it truly hit me differently and before you ask yes I was crying. Now I’ll share some of the lyrics with you guys so you can understand better as to why I was crying yet again.

Church (Take me back)- Cochren & Co.

There was a time that I swore I would never go back

I was blind to the truth, didn’t know what I had

I was running, I was searching

But every place I turned for healing

Left me more broken than the last

Take me back

To the place that feels like home

To the people I can depend on

To the faith that’s in my bones

Take me back

To a preacher and a verse

Where they’ve seen me at my worst

To the love I had at first

Oh, I want to go to church

Tried to walk on my own but I wound up lost

Now I’m making my way to the foot of the cross

It’s not a trophy for the winners

It’s a shelter for the sinners

And it’s right where I belong

Take me back

To the place that feels like home

To the people I can depend on

To the faith that’s in my bones

Take me back

To a preacher and a verse

Where they’ve seen me at my worst

To the love I had at first

Oh, I want to go to church

I want to go to church

Oh, more than an obligation

It’s our foundation

The family of God

I know it’s hard

But we need each other

We’re sisters and brothers

As He was singing and the lyrics were boldly shining in the background it finally sunk in what he was talking about. See this entire time I only knew the chorus of the song and as I read these lyrics through all of the tears filling up my eyes I was frozen in place.  My heart wanted to come out of my chest as I heard the room fill with these words:

 “Take me back To the place that feels like home To the people I can depend on To the faith that’s in my bones Take me back To a preacher and a verse  Where they’ve seen me at my worst To the love I had at first Oh, I want to go to church”

At that very moment all I could think of was my church, the church that has been my safe haven since I was 16. The church that has seen me grow up, has seen me go through heartbreak, and self discovery.  The church that has seen me at my lowest and highest.  For those of us who have gone to a church for many years I think we take advantage of what we have.  I don’t know about you but I have a family there that is closer to me than my own.  They pray for me, they watch out for me, and they wrap me in their arms when I can’t anymore.  Like all families we are not perfect, we get on eachothers nerves sometimes, and because we’ve known each other a long time we tend to give advice about everything whether it’s wanted or not. 

Last night a few of us even decided to go to Walmart because we wanted to continue spending time with each other. Sometimes it sucks because they’ve literally seen me at almost all of the stages of my life; awkward and glow ups but what’s beautiful is when we can say “hey remember this or remember when we went here.” I love the bond I have with my church and the people in it. That the elders “baby me” or stick up for me even when I’m pranking someone. I love that in the summer we plan random barbeques and throughout the year bowling and movie nights. I love how real we can get with each other and that when it’s time to be serious we’re serious and when it’s time to joke we play around.

I love that we can be honest with each other and be there for one another when we’re down. I want to dedicate this post to my Family, my church. A church that no matter how far we may stray it is a lighthouse guiding us back.

To my church, I love you and I am eternally grateful for the fact that even when I thought I wasn’t ready my Pastor kept knocking on my door inviting me to church and for guiding me and showing me what a true Pastor is. For your unconditional love and for being my spiritual Father. To my Pastora who has fought and prayed for my soul in ways I can’t imagine, for knowing and pushing me to be better and grow.  To my brothers and sisters in Christ, thank you for the countless nights filled with tears, laughter, and open heart discussions.  For the nights we’d stay up late sharing words of encouragement and for moments when we’d understand each other’s silence.  I don’t think I would be the woman I am today without God and without you guys.  You guys have lifted me up in my times of need, you’ve given word to my spirit when I felt weak, have lifted my hands when I felt I couldn’t, have held on to me when I didn’t have the strength to stand.  For the countless group factimes and “where are we eating after church.”  For placing people in my life that I can not imagine living without. For loving me at my worst and for celebrating my blessings with me. I thank God for creating a space where I can truly say: “Take me back to the place that feels like home to the people I can depend on.” 

Y’all know I gotta leave you guys with a quote and here it goes:

“Friends pick us up when we fall down, and if they can’t pick us up, they lie down and listen for a while.”- Unknown

With all of that being said; here’s to you Iglesia Pentecostal Jehova Es Mi Luz / Pentecostal Church Jehovah Is My Light (my beautiful imperfect shelter for the lost, sick, and chosen)

Thank you for an amazing almost 13 years of fellowship and God Willing here’s to many more.

Till Our Next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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