“To the Place that Feels like Home”

Hello Friends,

The week is just beginning, weather is still all over the place and even though the weekend just ended it can’t come soon enough.  Hope this post finds you well and in good health, I’m currently a bit under the weather allergy season is definitely the worst.  What are some of your favorite past times? I find myself enjoying the little things like going home and changing into sweats, catching up on Blue Bloods (I restarted it from season 1 last month and now I think I’m almost done with season 12.)  If there’s one thing you guys don’t know about me yet is that I absolutely love Crime Shows and everything to do with Crime documentaries and unsolved crimes. I haven’t gotten into Podcasts yet but a friend recently recommended some so I may have to check them out.  Enough about that though, nestle into your chair with your preferred snacks and fluffy socks and let’s chat for a bit.

As I’ve mentioned in my last post, I went to a concert last Tuesday night with my mom and aunt.  It was Tobymac’s “Hits Deep Tour” when I tell you I was not prepared for the number of tears I shed that night! I was so impacted by the artists, their words, and their songs. If I could fully just dive into a few of the ones that impacted me the most. First I would like to speak about Terrain and how insanely talented she is. One of her songs that spoke to me is:

Stayed on Him- Terrain

“Yeah, His holiness fills up the temple

Still He took my sin and my shame

I didn’t deserve to be rescued

Still He has called me by name

I’ll stand firm with confidence

‘Til He comes again, ’til He comеs again

I’ll keep my mind, stayed on Him

‘Til the very еnd, ’til the very end”

This song reminded me that no matter what I go through I just have to keep my mind on Jesus. I know it’s easier said than done because of the distractions that come with living in this world but there is something to be said of someone who intentionally keeps their thoughts on God. The verse that she shares with this song is Isaiah 26:3 which says:

“ You will keep him in perfect peace,

Whose mind is stayed on You,

Because he trusts in You.”

We are reminded that the only way to have peace is to keep our mind, our thoughts, our prayers on God because He is the only one to deliver us from anxieties, depression, anger, and hate. So from now on, even if my week is going well or bad, I will make sure to keep singing “I will keep my mind staying on Him.”

The next group I wanted to mention is Cain the Band, when I tell you this trio of two sisters and their brother wrecked me in such a beautiful way! Not only hearing about how they’re Pastor’s kids but also just hearing about how they spoke of their love for God warmed my heart.  We live in a time where people are ashamed to speak of Christ and their love for Him but to be in a place filled with followers of Christ and to hear songs dedicated to Him moved and strengthened my spirit. The song that they sang is called: 

The Commision– Cain the Band

See my hands and look at my feet

It’s okay if it’s hard to believe

I have faith you will do greater things

It’s my time to go but before I leave

Go tell the world about me

I was dead but now I live

I’ve gotta go now for a little while

But goodbye is not the end

Don’t forget the things that I taught you

I’ve conquered death and I hold the keys

Where I go you will go too, someday

But there’s much to do here before you leave

Go tell the world about me

I was dead but now I live

I’ve gotta go now for a little while

But goodbye is not the

End of the journey, the end of the road

My spirit is with you wherever you go

You have a purpose and I have a plan

I’ll make you this promise

I’ll come back again but until then

Now this is the first time I heard this song and when I tell you I sat there with tears rolling down my face because my greatest mission is life to tell the world about Jesus. To tell everyone I know that there is hope, there is forgiveness, and there is love for all who are lost and downcast.  Whether it be by my actions, my words, or my character I want the world to know that who I am is summed up in three words “I am His.”  The thought that He came for sinners like me to save and to heal I can’t help but dedicate my life to Him.  I’ve told two people this and of course I’m going to share this with y’all that lately I’ve noticed my worship and praise to God has been different, yes it’s filled with gratitude but It’s filled with purpose, where I can cry out and declare to God that the best part of me is and will always be Him.

There are so many other bands from that night worth mentioning but the last one I’d like to talk about is the one that provoked this post and that’s Cochren & Co. specifically when He sang “Church (Take me back)” Now I know this is a popular song but that night it truly hit me differently and before you ask yes I was crying. Now I’ll share some of the lyrics with you guys so you can understand better as to why I was crying yet again.

Church (Take me back)- Cochren & Co.

There was a time that I swore I would never go back

I was blind to the truth, didn’t know what I had

I was running, I was searching

But every place I turned for healing

Left me more broken than the last

Take me back

To the place that feels like home

To the people I can depend on

To the faith that’s in my bones

Take me back

To a preacher and a verse

Where they’ve seen me at my worst

To the love I had at first

Oh, I want to go to church

Tried to walk on my own but I wound up lost

Now I’m making my way to the foot of the cross

It’s not a trophy for the winners

It’s a shelter for the sinners

And it’s right where I belong

Take me back

To the place that feels like home

To the people I can depend on

To the faith that’s in my bones

Take me back

To a preacher and a verse

Where they’ve seen me at my worst

To the love I had at first

Oh, I want to go to church

I want to go to church

Oh, more than an obligation

It’s our foundation

The family of God

I know it’s hard

But we need each other

We’re sisters and brothers

As He was singing and the lyrics were boldly shining in the background it finally sunk in what he was talking about. See this entire time I only knew the chorus of the song and as I read these lyrics through all of the tears filling up my eyes I was frozen in place.  My heart wanted to come out of my chest as I heard the room fill with these words:

 “Take me back To the place that feels like home To the people I can depend on To the faith that’s in my bones Take me back To a preacher and a verse  Where they’ve seen me at my worst To the love I had at first Oh, I want to go to church”

At that very moment all I could think of was my church, the church that has been my safe haven since I was 16. The church that has seen me grow up, has seen me go through heartbreak, and self discovery.  The church that has seen me at my lowest and highest.  For those of us who have gone to a church for many years I think we take advantage of what we have.  I don’t know about you but I have a family there that is closer to me than my own.  They pray for me, they watch out for me, and they wrap me in their arms when I can’t anymore.  Like all families we are not perfect, we get on eachothers nerves sometimes, and because we’ve known each other a long time we tend to give advice about everything whether it’s wanted or not. 

Last night a few of us even decided to go to Walmart because we wanted to continue spending time with each other. Sometimes it sucks because they’ve literally seen me at almost all of the stages of my life; awkward and glow ups but what’s beautiful is when we can say “hey remember this or remember when we went here.” I love the bond I have with my church and the people in it. That the elders “baby me” or stick up for me even when I’m pranking someone. I love that in the summer we plan random barbeques and throughout the year bowling and movie nights. I love how real we can get with each other and that when it’s time to be serious we’re serious and when it’s time to joke we play around.

I love that we can be honest with each other and be there for one another when we’re down. I want to dedicate this post to my Family, my church. A church that no matter how far we may stray it is a lighthouse guiding us back.

To my church, I love you and I am eternally grateful for the fact that even when I thought I wasn’t ready my Pastor kept knocking on my door inviting me to church and for guiding me and showing me what a true Pastor is. For your unconditional love and for being my spiritual Father. To my Pastora who has fought and prayed for my soul in ways I can’t imagine, for knowing and pushing me to be better and grow.  To my brothers and sisters in Christ, thank you for the countless nights filled with tears, laughter, and open heart discussions.  For the nights we’d stay up late sharing words of encouragement and for moments when we’d understand each other’s silence.  I don’t think I would be the woman I am today without God and without you guys.  You guys have lifted me up in my times of need, you’ve given word to my spirit when I felt weak, have lifted my hands when I felt I couldn’t, have held on to me when I didn’t have the strength to stand.  For the countless group factimes and “where are we eating after church.”  For placing people in my life that I can not imagine living without. For loving me at my worst and for celebrating my blessings with me. I thank God for creating a space where I can truly say: “Take me back to the place that feels like home to the people I can depend on.” 

Y’all know I gotta leave you guys with a quote and here it goes:

“Friends pick us up when we fall down, and if they can’t pick us up, they lie down and listen for a while.”- Unknown

With all of that being said; here’s to you Iglesia Pentecostal Jehova Es Mi Luz / Pentecostal Church Jehovah Is My Light (my beautiful imperfect shelter for the lost, sick, and chosen)

Thank you for an amazing almost 13 years of fellowship and God Willing here’s to many more.

Till Our Next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“Mirror, Mirror”

Hello Friends,

I am hopeful that today will be a good day! Where are you guys from? Is it hot or cold? Cloudy or sunny? We’ve been going through quite the weather changes this week.  One day we got 70 degrees and the next we got 29 and snow.  Life’s like that though isn’t it, full of surprises, some that we welcome and others we wished didn’t come our way.  To be honest I don’t know what we’re going to talk about today so I guess I’ll also be surprised by the end of this post.  I’m kind of excited for tonight because I’m going to a concert with my Mom and Aunt, I know on a school night how scandalous! Well let’s get to it, find your spot and settle in. 

There’s no exact science as to how I write my posts. Some days I want to share adventures or what I’m going through and other days it’s just a thought that crosses my mind. Today is one of those days when a thought crossed my mind.  Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately? By no means do I mean that to offend or insult you I’m just really curious if you have. Have you ever taken a second in the morning as you’re getting ready to look at yourself?  

It took me a while to realize that there are people who do not like who they see in the mirror. I just never considered that people avoid looking at themselves at all if you are someone who’s like that I’m sorry. I truly hope that one day you learn to love who you see in the mirror.  A few years ago my mother had mentioned she didn’t like to look at herself and because it’s not my story I’ll have her share her reason sometime.  I was shocked to say the least, I couldn’t understand why she didn’t like looking at herself. When I see her I see such a beautiful woman, I see a woman with her head held high, a woman who bares her scars as badges of honor and stories of reflection and past mistakes.  When she smiles she brightens up any room, she has a laugh that you can’t help but to smile and laugh to.  Growing up I could only explain her eyes as sad and gentle eyes.  Guys she even cries pretty but pretty in a heartbreaking way.  The kind of way that makes you wish you could hide her in your hoodie pouch and protect her at all costs. I’ve always told her that I wish she could see herself through my eyes so that she’d know that when I call her beautiful it’s the truth.

I know that sometimes it’s hard to see our beauty because we tend to notice the flaws first. Maybe our teeth aren’t as white, maybe our nose is too big, our lips too small, maybe you notice you’re too short, too tall, too skinny, too thick. Too many wrinkles, maybe you wished you had dimples and freckles or you wish you didn’t.  Maybe you notice others have a six pack and you have a muffin top.  How many times have I had conversations with my friends who have said they wished they looked like me and I’ve said I’ve wished I looked like them.  No matter how we look we never seem to be content.

You see the mirror serves to show us two types of reflections, one being our literal reflection and the other the reflection of our soul.  There are days when I look at my reflection to see if I look okay and make sure my outfit looks good and other days I look at my reflection to reflect on how I’m doing on the inside.  I don’t know about you but sometimes when I take that moment to really look I start to cry.  Times where I have to give myself a pep talk and say I’m beautiful, I look at the wrinkles around my eyes and am reminded of how lucky I am to have smiled and laughed so much, other days I remind myself that I’ve been through worse and have survived just fine.  Days where I feel I’ve let myself down because I haven’t gone to the gym as much as before and remind myself that life gets busy.

I know that it is easy to focus on your flaws and how others look better but have you never considered how beautiful you are outside of the mirror? How beautiful you are in others eyes?  As impossible as it seems I have struggled with self esteem, struggled with seeing how I look, with comparing myself to others. Do you know what made me change how I see myself?

The first day I worked out in my gym “Anytime Fitness” everyone had left while I was still in the room looking at myself in their giant mirror.  I had decided that if I wanted to change to really work on myself I had to change how I looked at myself, I had to work on how I talked to myself, I had to break the person I saw to be able to see the one I would become.  From that moment on I worked on myself, I pushed myself past my limits, past my doubts, past all of my “I can’t do it anymore, I’m not strong enough.” When you break past what you thought was your limit you realize how strong you are. You gain confidence in yourself, and the more I looked at myself in the mirror the more I saw strength, I saw courage, I saw a woman after her own dreams, a woman who took “Can’t” out of her vocabulary and replaced it with “I will, watch me”

Like I mentioned in my previous post it matters who you surround yourself with because my people speak life into me, when I felt like I wasn’t beautiful or as pretty they let me know how they saw me through their eyes and when I tell y’all how beautifully they described me I couldn’t help but to change how I saw myself.  Now I’m not saying that peoples opinions or thoughts about you should matter but when they come from a place of love and admiration definitely listen to them.  If you feel like you have no one who does that then speak into your own life, say “I am beautiful, blessed, strong, courageous, smart, loved, and one of a kind.”  If I may be so bold to ask, please let me be that person for you.  I have no problem letting you know that you are amazing, you are the right height, skin color, and size.  If you’ve never felt loved or desired let me be the one to say you are.  

Now you may not believe me but I do know what the bible tells me in:

Song of Solomon 4:7

“You are altogether beautiful, my darling;

    there is no flaw in you.”

So what if you don’t look like how you think you should by the standards of a world that doesn’t even know what they want. You are altogether beautiful and if you want to change something about yourself then let it be because of you and not someone’s opinion of you.

I leave you with this quote I saw that says,

“No matter how happy someone may seem, they have moments when they question if they can go on. No matter how confident someone may look, there are times when they feel insecure and unsure. And no matter how strong someone may appear, they have days when they feel like they’re falling apart. Never think for a moment you’re alone with your struggles. You’re not a mess. You’re human.” – Lori Deschene

So please be kinder to who you see in the mirror, they have fought hard to see another day. Oh and before I forget, in case you were wondering yes you are the fairest of them all.

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always, 

Janny Mari

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P.S I Love You

Hey Guys,

Hope this post finds you well, I hope this week hasn’t been too rough for you. How are you doing? No really like how are you actually doing? I don’t want that “Oh hey I’m doing pretty good thanks for asking” knowing darn well you’ve been feeling the weight on your shoulders and wish time could stop for a minute so you can catch up and breathe. I hope my posts are a breath of fresh air for you, I hope they are moments of peace and love in your life.  I know all too well what it’s like to put on a brave face all the while your heart is crying out for help and comfort.  So as you read this, grab your favorite blanket or teddy ( I promise I won’t tell anyone yes I’m talking to my guy friends too); get comfy cause this may get a bit mushy.

As I thought of what to write about next I couldn’t help but think of the overwhelming love I receive in my daily life. Love of course comes in all shapes, sizes, colors, and beautiful beating hearts. I know that I am someone who is blessed beyond measure. Not only do I serve a living loving God but the people who He has placed in my life have shown me a love so pure that even I question what in the world did I do to deserve it? Did I save a country? What could I have possibly done to earn their love, their care, and loyalty?

So many of my friends and family members speak positivity into my life, they pick me up when I can no longer walk, they push me and dare me to be better. Many of them have been so hurt and betrayed in life and yet when they look at me all I see is unconditional love. See I have this habit that when I’m with my people I can’t help but look at them, well stare at them with love.  Most of the time they tell me to cut it out and stop looking at them like that but I can’t help it. I get so lost in my thoughts about how lucky I am that they are mine, that they are actually in my life, maybe the feelings I feel can be compared slightly to the love a parent might feel towards their child; unbiased, protective, and full of admiration.  I’ve been told that when I love I love hard and it’s true, I have many friends but few are my people, the ones that I just stare at and wonder how is it possible that they love me so much.

To my people this is my love letter to you, thank you for stealing me away last minute for adventures. For holding on to me as I cry and completely crumble.  Thank you for seeing the worst in me, the vulnerability in me and protecting me when I felt I couldn’t protect myself.  For laughs and midnight car rides.  For nights where we’d wake up in the middle of the night and you’d ask me if I were hungry knowing that only you were.  For times where we’d finish eachothers sentences. For kidnapping me from my own birthday party to buy ice cream.  For random Kpop dance breaks. For bringing me coffee just because you sensed I wasn’t caffeinated.  Thank you for knowing it’s hard for me to open up so you ask if I want to grab coffee knowing that I just needed a moment with you. Thank you for early morning hikes just to get a way if even for a moment. Thank you for the silly faces and horrible dance moves just to make me smile.  For knowing that I’m stubborn sometimes and try to save everyone when sometimes I’m the one who needs saving. For always being around just in case I fall or need help.  For reminding me where I left my phone and shoes. For all of the times you’ve lost me in the store and looked for me in the garden section knowing I’d be looking at plants.  For taking me to the aquarium at night and getting just as excited.  For making my dreams of diving with sharks a reality.  For all of our therapy sessions where we realize we’re just too good for this world haha.  For making me buy that outfit and shoes because you knew I’d look amazing.  For babying me especially when I got heartburn and wrapping me in a fluffy blanket and putting on a movie.  For late chinese dinners and morning Farmers Market trips.  For coming to the BTS concert and losing your voice with me.  For walks in the park as we talked about hopes, dreams, and goals.  For morning texts and voice note prayers.  For buying me my favorite chocolate when you know I’m mad at the world and for switching my laundry when I forget.  Thank you for all of the “sweetie dinner is ready and singing in the kitchen” and all of the “beba come watch tv with me.” For all of the hype during my photoshoots and for all of the “I miss you my sunshine.”

There are so many moments that I can share with all of you that make me appreciate my relationships with family and friends.  You see they compare me to the sun in their lives, the love they never knew they’d get to experience and all of the compliments you can think of and as much as you guys say you’re blessed it is I that is blessed with your presence. I thank God every day that He has blessed me with the love that others can only dream of. A love that I get to say is my reality. 

I want you to take a moment to think about those who you are grateful for, for those you can call in the middle of the night, for those who are willing to go on adventures with you.  When days get rough and you feel lonely, remember those who are for you and love you no matter what. Take a moment to reach out to them to let them know how important and valuable they are to you.  You never know if that call, text, facetime might just make their day. Everyone wants to be loved and cared for and I hope those closest to me know that I am truly lucky to have them in my life and in my heart. So here’s to you guys who make every day an adventure.

Here are some bible verses that I’d like to share with y’all:

Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all times,

And a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 22:24-25 “Make no friendship with an angry man,

And with a furious man do not go, Lest you learn his ways And set a snare for your soul.

I hope this serves as a reminder that it truly matters who you surround yourself with, because if you surround yourself with people who see the worst in life then you’ll focus on the worst. If you surround yourself with those who gossip about others, don’t be surprised when they talk about you. Your true friends will be there at your worst and will be there in your victories. My tribe isn’t filled with perfect people, we all have our flaws but my tribe is filled with dreamers, entrepreneurs, warriors, people who never allow me to give up, and who tell me like it is. I know you guys struggle and go through your own battles. I hope you guys know that when I look at you I see love, I see joy, I see strengths and courage. You are my counselors, my safe place, and my diaries. You are truly one of a kind and for that I will always be grateful.

Now y’all know I gotta end this with a snippet  of a song from one of my favorite movies:

“You’ve got a friend in me. You got troubles and I got ‘em too. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you. We stick together, we can see it through ‘cause you’ve got a friend in me.” – Toy Story

Song: “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” by: Randy Newman

P.S. I Love You!

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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New Beginnings:

Hello my loves,

Happy first week of Spring! I honestly don’t know what we’re going to talk about today but I can’t wait to see how this post turns out! How are y’all doing by the way?  I’d love to hear from you whether it be through comments here, through email, or you guys are more than welcome to follow me and message me through my Instagram @jannymari.  I’d love to get to know you guys better seeing as I do vent a lot to you haha.  Y’all already know, get comfy and cozy and let’s chat for a bit.

Last week, I got pretty real and vulnerable in my post and to be honest that was just week 3 of going through that process. Something I learned since starting this blog is that I can’t rush the healing of any wound whether it be physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual. The only thing I can do is confront it, acknowledge it, feel it, and learn from it.  The biggest hurdle I overcame was learning that it was okay to be vulnerable, that it in fact doesn’t make me weak but strong.  

Now I didn’t put a time limit on healing and overcoming this battle but it took me a month and I can’t help but be amazed that it was a time period between winter and spring.  Last week I wrote of this process and this week I can speak of the joy I feel in overcoming it.  I don’t only want to share the sad things I feel, I want to be able to share my victories too.  There is something so beautiful about Spring, a time for new beginnings, a time for growth, to bloom. Yes there will still be cold stormy days but I know that it’s to benefit the fields, flowers and trees in general. Daring them to grow again and to put aside the fact that they spent so much time in cold winter months. This month I dare you to grow and to bloom; to put aside all these months where you felt like giving up, where you felt sadness and anxiety overcome you.  

Every season has its own worries, doubts, fears, but it also has its beauties and joys.  Today is a dark and rainy day but if I’m honest with how I feel it might as well be the brightest day.  What I’m trying to say is do not let your surroundings dictate you or your emotions.  I am aware that during the Winter depression spikes in most and during Spring and Summer we tend to be happier.  For me this Winter was a beautiful mix of both victories and battles, happiness, and sadness and I’ve learned that sometimes these overlap and it’s okay for them to coexist.  Have you ever felt like you have every reason to be happy and you’re sad or vice versa?  It can be very confusing but someone I can personally relate to is David from the Bible.

You see when you read the Psalms that he wrote one can not deny that he was completely transparent with his feelings. He didn’t sugar coat anything and in fact you sometimes question if maybe he was a little too honest. In reality he was raw, open, and vulnerable with God. He is the perfect example of sadness and happiness coexisting. He acknowledged when he was upset, when he was mad, when he wanted revenge, and there were times where he even wanted to die. He questioned God many times wondering why he was going through what he was going through but what I admire most is that even though he would start his Psalms with how he truly felt He always ended them with thanking God, with praising Him and acknowledging that His joy and strength come from God and not his circumstances.  For those who do not believe I feel you can also learn that it’s okay to feel how you feel but also realize that for everything negative going on in your life there is also a positive, there is also something that gets you by each and every day.

I want to share this bible verse with you guys that’s found in

 [Psalms 34:17-20]

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears,

And delivers them out of all their troubles.

The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart,

And saves such as have a contrite spirit.

Many are the afflictions of the righteous,

But the Lord delivers him out of them all.

He guards all his bones;

Not one of them is broken.”

As the rain pours today I want to remind you that soon it will be your turn to bloom, soon you will see the beautiful colors that your life is painted with but one thing you’re not allowed to do is give up. So take a deep breath, take a moment to evaluate yourself, your emotions, recognize all of the bad that you’re going through but also think about all the good things that are in your life.  The people who love you, your favorite meal, your favorite spot to relax in, or leaving work to put on your favorite pjs.  This past month has shown me that it’s okay that things don’t go the way you plan and because they didn’t I’m on a new level, new chapter, and new beginning in my life.  As you’ve noticed I’m not someone who shoves my faith down your throats but I love being able to share why I am strong, why I’m okay with going through what I go through because God has never failed me, He has never forsaken me, and He has always made things new in their time.

[Revelation 21:5]

“ Then He who sat on the throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me, “Write, for these words are true and faithful.”

Now I leave you with this quote from my friend Rafiki in Lion King:

“The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it.” — Rafiki

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“Let’s go to Vermont”

Hello friends, how did you like last week’s “My Story” Series starter with my friend Perla’s “I loved my Pride” post? It definitely impacted me and made me think about a few areas I need to work on and it couldn’t have come at a better time seeing as it made me reflect on a few of my feelings as well. Y’all already know get cozy, grab your preferred drink and snack and lets get to some unpacking.

As a few of you know I recently went to Vermont towards the end of February. The plan was to go to Florida but My friend and I had to change our plans.  You see, at the beginning of January I was tired, emotionally, physically and mentally. I mentioned to another friend previously about being so tired and wanting to get away and he said “well what’s stopping you, plan it and go away.” Just like that I questioned myself and realized there was nothing stopping me from just going away for a bit.  So I spoke to my friend who I knew was also tired and we both decided Florida and sun was what we truly needed. Imagine my surprise when we both realized we were a little late on planning a trip to Florida so we quickly decided Vermont would be the next choice.

Before I continue I would like to share something that helped me realize I was Emotionally exhausted a few weeks back. It’s from a post on Instagram made by @holisticallygrace that stated:

 “This is Emotional Exhaustion Showing up in the Body”

-Headaches, brain fog, problems concentrating, remembering things, racing mind, light sensitivity.

– Disrupted sleep patterns: difficulty falling/staying asleep, excessive sleeping.

– Chest pressure, difficulty breathing, weakened immune system function, increased illness.

-Digestive distress, change in appetite; skipping meals, using food to cope.

– Body aches, muscle tension, heightened skin sensitivity, diminished pain tolerance.

-Restlessness, inability to settle or ground self, loss of sensation, numbness.

Now if any of you are feeling this way please take a mental health day or at least take some time to rest. Rest looks different for all of us, some like to read a book, some like to hike, others like to lay in bed and binge watch tv. It’s okay to allow yourself to rest, odds are your body is screaming for it.

Now you might ask why Vermont? Honestly I can’t really tell you why, it was just always on my list of places to visit.  So off we went for our mini getaway and let me just say, Vermont at this time of year is something else! Don’t get me wrong it was beyond beautiful and I can talk forever about the scenery but I truly was not prepared for the cold. As much as I did my research on where I wanted to visit, where I wanted to eat, and what I wanted to do my body mostly needed rest.  My mind and heart needed clarity and the only way I was able to get some of that clarity was to get away. As I’ve said before on here I usually tend to keep on going and moving whenever I go through something or when my feelings are hurt but each day I am learning to confront those feelings, to feel those feelings no matter how ugly they may seem.  I’m not perfect but each day it gets easier to deal with all of these things.  Reality is I was hurt, my pride was hurt, and there were decisions that I knew I needed to make but wasn’t sure if I wanted to.

You see, I was wondering what title I should give this post and I decided on this one because I believe we all need a “Let’s go to Vermont” moment in our lives.  A moment when you get away from everything you know, everyone you know, a moment where you confront all of the things that feel heavy in your mind and in your heart.  As I write this I already know that I need another one of these moments soon because there is just so much more I want to reflect on.  This trip was more than just something I wanted to check off my list, my body and mind needed rest and as much as I wanted to I couldn’t fully rest until I confronted how I was feeling in that moment.  Have you ever had a moment in your life where you just knew you had to get away? Where you didn’t want anyone to talk to you you just wanted to rest and relax.

I’ve prided myself in being as open as I can with you guys, some of you may see me as this outgoing, super confident, and self assured in who I am, but let me tell you there are days when I don’t feel it. There are days when I am just sad, days where I wished I looked a little different, days where I wished I was different, where I wished my heart was different.  It’s hard when you love hard, especially in a generation where love like that isn’t valued or cherished.  Now this isn’t the moment where I want you to go “Aww poor Janny Mari” nope I don’t want any of that what I want is for you to know that no matter how beautifully life may appear through my lenses, my photos, my videos, vlogs, and posts there is still a person behind the camera. I am made of dirt, flesh, bones, and a beating heart.  I may go through things in life that I question why I have to go through them. I question God why He’s allowing these things to happen and at the end of the day I know it’s because I am being molded into a better me.  

Like I mentioned, sometimes we want to question God but in reality one thing will always be certain, God isn’t a God of confusion and He isn’t a God of complications. When we choose to truly listen to God He gives us all the clarity we need in any given situation. He will always remind you how precious and valuable you are even if you don’t feel that way sometimes. He gives you strength where you feel you have none. One of my favorite bible verses is found in:

John 16:33 NKJV

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

I want you to know that my life isn’t perfect, I am not perfect and I never want to portray myself as such. There are situations I go through that are unfair, sometimes my thoughts can get the best of me, sometimes my pride wants to speak and act out. Sometimes I close myself off from family and friends because at the time it’s easier to do that than to deal with my feelings. What I do want you guys to know is that even though life can get us down, can be ugly, what matters is how you choose to see it.  In the midst of my pain I choose to see beauty, in the midst of my sadness I choose to see joy, in the midst of my darkness I choose to see light.  That is why I choose to share the beauty I see with you guys because I know we have all experienced pain, we have all experienced the feeling of inadequacy, and we have all experienced darkness.

You may be asking yourself “What is she going through?” and honestly that’s something I’ll keep for myself.  I know my friends who read my blogs sometimes get concerned and worry but that’s because I am not usually someone who calls or texts my friends to let them know when I’m upset. I am really okay, I’m just choosing to share because 1. It makes me feel better and 2. It’s nice to know that you’re not alone in your feelings.  No I don’t need my feelings validated I just want you guys to know it’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to be transparent about it. Sometimes all you can do is cry it out, face it, and give it to God. Also it wouldn’t hurt to say “Let’s go to Vermont.”

As cold as it was Vermont sure has it’s beauty and I couldn’t end my post without mentioning that it really is a sight to see. There were moments where I couldn’t help but cry and give God thanks for allowing me to see the mountains up close.  So with that being said, I just know I need to visit it in the Summer.

Now to end this with a quote from my guy Christopher in Winnie the Pooh:

“You are Braver than you Believe, Stronger than you Seem, and Smarter than you Think.”

  • Christopher Robin

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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“I Loved My Pride”

Written by: Perla Aviles

[My Story Series]

These were the words I heard during the ending scene of a movie I went to watch with some sisters in Christ recently. For some reason these words stuck out to me the most because the character waited until the last day of his life to tell the woman he loved that he loved her the entire time but because of his pride he never decided to tell prior to this moment.

I won’t deny that the word pride in itself has a negative implication from my perspective. Personally, pride, just like with the character, has intruded in my personal relationships so many times including in my early years of marriage. Pride is often defined as a deeper value for one’s own dignity. I say that the other side of pride is to value your dignity so much that you end degrading someone’s.

I remember so many memories during the early stages of my marriage when a discussion about disagreements would turn into a game of pride and it pretty much felt like, “since I want to be right and is important for me to state my point, therefore I won’t speak to you for some time or I will speak to you in a way that makes you feel not cared for or belittled.”

While there is a deep satisfaction about honoring our own dignity, teaching others to respect us, and being perceived as “wiser” and “right,” there is a danger zone between wanting to give ourselves honor while also hurting others in the process. I could see the woman in the movie being hurt that this man never told her about his deep love for her the entire time. While this type of pride could be different from the type I mentioned, there is one common factor, you will always lose more than you gain when you’re guided by pride.

The Bible tells us that, ““But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble”” (James 4:6 NKJV).

I’m not sure about any of you reading but I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have lost time being silent and distant from people I cared about all because of my pride. I have said things I didn’t really mean because of my pride. All because I wanted to protect my dignity thinking it was being hurt or attacked. Honestly, it wasn’t always the other person. Some things I created in my head from previous experiences and trauma responses.

I love that James talks about grace in this verse, (one of my favorites), because I have made many mistakes and therefore I desire God’s free-given grace. There is no way my marriage would have survived if it wasn’t for my understanding of grace. I remember during a rough season of my relationship with my husband where, while it was painful, I was convicted by the Holy Spirit about this very concept; GRACE.

I was given a beautiful gift that I did not deserve, I could not do anything to earn it and I was not worthy of it, BUT GOD still chose to send His son to shed His blood because He saw something in me and you that sometimes we don’t even see in ourselves; worth dying for.

NEWS FLASH! God also sent His son to die for that person that you have allowed your pride to get in between. Grace was given to me so God had to teach me to give it to my partner just as freely. James continues to explain that because grace has been given to us we don’t get to have an excuse for prideful behavior. “God opposes the proud.” Just like we oppose that friend, that partner, that church member, that coworker because of our pride, so does God oppose our prideful behavior. But when we humble ourselves, show humility, demonstrate love, seek to resolve conflict positively, then grace, even though it is already given, could be received by you. This means that we don’t have to seek to validate ourselves and who we are with our pride. We can be open and honest. We can be kind. We can love freely. We can communicate without a hidden agenda. We have the ability to do so because God has done it with us.

I was thinking of telling a beautiful love story about how I met my husband or how I thought he was the one, however, too many families and relationships are often destroyed because of this same concept, PRIDE. After watching the movie I couldn’t help but think what would have happened if the character would have told the woman that he was in love with her years before. What a beautiful story it could have been. Yet, the same happens for our stories. There are so many moments that we could think about the “what if?” and imagine how the outcome would have been different if we only had shown a tiny bit of grace and humility.

Four verses down, James 4:10, says the following:

 “Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up.”

My brother or sister in Christ, while pride could provide you with momentary satisfaction of protecting your image, your character, your honor, your dignity, your feelings, and respect, nothing can compare with God being the one who lifts you. When we humble ourselves with others, we are really doing it in the Lord’s sight, He sees even the deepest parts of our hearts and because of this He will lift you up and honor you. Next time you encounter yourself in a situation where your pride is itching to take over and drive your heart, think about the one who sees you and the grace you have been freely given.

With love,

Perla

About the Writer: My name is Perla. I’m a wife, mom of a 3 year-old (almost 4), I’m currently pregnant, I’m a worship leader, and presently a student at Liberty University. I’m currently obtaining a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. My goal is to provide counseling to people with substance use disorders and trauma-related disorders like Post-traumatic stress disorder. My ultimate goal is to incorporate my faith into counseling and lead people to the feet of Jesus. Overall, I’m a jokester (I love making others laugh), I love reading, and I love serving others.

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Target Run:

Hello Friends, at this point should I be calling you besties? What’s a beautiful word for more than a friend? Companion or maybe even confidant? I am baring my heart and soul to you guys so I should be able to find a word that best describes you guys aside from lovelies.  Any who enough with my ramblings. I hope you guys have had a chance to read my previous post “Rough Patch” because this post will be about what happened the week following that one.  I hope you are having a good morning, afternoon, and night. Wherever you are, find a cozy spot, brew a cup of your favorite tea or coffee, perhaps prepare a snack, and let’s talk for a little.

Where do I start? Maybe I’ll start with how blessed I am to have amazing friends who get when I just need a break. I had the day off and my friend works from home so she asked me to come over just to relax as she worked. I don’t know about you but some of my favorite friendships are the ones where you just enjoy being in each other’s company no matter what the other is doing.  So as she worked I laid in bed, worked on some Vlog videos, caught up with some reading, and just watched as she was in meetings. Between work calls she asked me how life was going, we talked about many topics, some funny and some serious. I can’t explain to you the peace I felt in just being there.  The week prior was quite the emotional week and to just be able to have my guards completely down was everything.  You see it’s hard to hide your feelings with someone who talks to God daily and can see right through you.  At first I didn’t like that she was able to call or text me asking me what was wrong without me even saying anything.  I didn’t like that with just a look at my face or tone she was able to tell something was off. I would always say “But how can you possibly know?!” and she would always respond “God let me feel your heart.”  I can confidently say that God has placed a few people in my life who can quickly discern how I’m feeling and as much as I would like to hide my emotions I am blessed that they understand me and always seem to have the right words to say.

Let me tell you for someone who is as guarded as me to have someone take a look and say exactly what I’m feeling is frustrating and also refreshing. Frustrating because I used to never want anyone to know what I was feeling or going through. Refreshing because I didn’t have to explain or say much for them to understand right away.  As she continued to work and take calls I felt myself completely at peace and content; opposite of the way I was feeling the week before. A few hours later we had dinner and went on an errand run for some supplies.  The night was beautiful, and as we drove she mentioned that she saw a notebook that instantly made her think of me. She kept talking about the notebook and I have to admit I was intrigued at what kind of notebook would remind her of me; as she continued to express her regret in not getting it when she saw it she asked if we should just go to Target to see if it was still there. If y’all know me ya’ll know I’m up for anything so to Target we went. She spoke so highly of this notebook that I couldn’t wait to see what was so special about it.  She’s quite tall so as she calmly walked I was speed walking to catch up, zooming through the aisles we finally came to the Stationary section of the store.  She found what she was looking for, she turned to me and told me to just read the cover.  It took me a while to read and reread the quote in front of me, I could tell she was staring at me but it didn’t stop me from tearing up and crying in the middle of Target.  She hugged me and said how much she loves me and appreciates everything I do and that she has seen  so much growth in my life these past few months.

What kind of quote would have a grown woman crying in the middle of the target you may ask? Well let me share it with you:

“”FINDING YOURSELF” is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten-dollar bill in last Winter’s pocket. You are also not Lost.  Your TRUE SELF is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. “FINDING YOURSELF” is actually RETURNING to Yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you”

It took me a moment to compose myself, as she continued to look at me not knowing how deeply and truly touched I was I continued to cry. This quote hit me like a truck it stunned me really because between the years 2018 and now four years in total I have been trying to find myself, who I truly am.  Four years worth of heartbreak, misunderstandings, misconceptions, breaking everything I thought was truth.  I have been undergoing extreme construction trying to unlearn Religious conditioning, overcoming people’s opinions of me, unaccepting those inaccurate conclusions of myself that not only came from people but from my insecurities. I had to dig deep and truly figure out who I was.

Growing up I always felt the need to be a perfect daughter and student.  There was this show I was obsessed with called “Gilmore Girls” one of the main Characters is Rory.  She was smart, always made the right decisions, and as I watched her I thought to myself I should be more like her. I related to her in the way that she loved reading, coffee, and also put high expectations on herself. As mentioned in previous posts growing up overweight as a child came with a lot of baggage, mostly emotionally. It was beyond me that I would always get made fun of because of my weight, always getting picked last or no one wanting me to play with them.  As you can imagine I stopped seeing myself through my eyes and saw myself the way that those around me perceived me as. I was very gullible growing up, I really thought that most of the people around me were truly my friends but most of the time I was the buttend of a joke and half the time I didn’t even realize they were laughing at me, not with me.

It’s really hard writing all of this down because no one should feel less than just because they look, speak, dress differently than what is considered “normal.” Sadly it wasn’t only people who I considered friends but also family members. Maybe they didn’t realize that I could see some of the looks they would give me when they thought I wasn’t looking or the partiality/ favoritism they’d show my thinner cousins, and sometimes the jokes would go too far.  I write this because sometimes families or friends may think they’re doing things with the best intentions or giving advice but what it truly is is criticism.  I don’t hold grudges on anyone, why would I? Some people don’t know the difference and the ones that do and choose to say awful things are just showing how they feel about themselves. Of course I had a smile on my face most of the time but when I was truly by myself my tears became my nightly companions. I’m not saying any of this for you to feel bad or for you to feel pity because I am proud of my younger self.  Most would have let all of the things I went through change them and honestly I wouldn’t have blamed myself if I did but I am so thankful that in the time I needed Him the most God found me, placed me in His arms, and showed me unconditional love. I know that I haven’t spoken much on my walk with Him but that will definitely be in another post.  

Why am I sharing all of this? Because I never truly open up about my past. To be able to tell you what I’ve had to overcome I have to share what I’ve been through.  Growing up my parents did their best to shield us from the world and I appreciate them for doing that but it’s impossible to shield someone from mean remarks, bullying, assumptions, and so many other things.  I am not the same Janny I was in Elementary, Middle School, High School, College. I’m not even the same Janny I was a few months ago. Life is always changing and we should all be evolving and becoming better people. If I’ve learned anything in life is that sometimes it deals you great cards and sometimes you get the worst, what matters is what you do with the cards that you are given. You can either cry about how unfair it is or grow and seize every opportunity you can.  Like I said DO NOT feel bad for me because I am so blessed to have amazing, loving, and supportive friends and family members. I am beyond spoiled with their love and can’t believe that I get to call them mines.

On my quest of “Finding Myself” what I truly found is that I enjoy getting pretty and dressing down. I absolutely love plants, some of my favorites are succulents and cacti. I am always buying myself flowers because they really do brighten up your room. My favorite colors at the moment are mauve pinks, forest green, teal, and neutral tones. I also became quite obsessed with Sweet and Sour filled Twisslers because of said friend who made me cry in Target.  I made up my mind that I will truly live my best life and go on as many adventures as I can even if I am scared to try.  I love my down time and being able to relax, especially alone since I’m pretty busy most of the time so I appreciate when I have those moments.  I’ve learned that I can have my own opinions and I can make my own mistakes without thinking that the world is going to end because I’m not perfect.  I am more than Janny “The Leader, The shoulder to Cry on, The Daughter, Sister, Friend, and Confidant.”  I am a beautiful, respected, loved, and cared for Woman; Mistakes, Flaws, and Imperfections. 

I am sometimes very loud or very quiet, I cry when I watch a sad scene in a movie or show. Sometimes if I don’t like where the scene is heading I may fast forward because I am very empathetic and I just don’t like feeling sad. I care maybe a little too much about others and tend to make their problems my own ( or should I say used to) remember boundaries friends!  When I’m upset there is a 10000% chance my face is saying everything I wish I could.  Growing up I was obsessed with Harry Potter, Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings. I was that person who was at Barnes and Noble before midnight waiting for the newest book to be released and happily made my family wait in line with me. I was a huge band geek, I’ve played the trombone for over 12 years which meant most of my Friday nights in Highschool were spent on cold bleachers playing at football games.  I love watching cooking and baking shows because it is my hope that I will be a contestant on “The Great British Bake Off.” Do not get me started on how I am an ARMY and absolutely love BTS because we’d be here all night.  When making plans I will always opt for staying home so please never feel bad for canceling plans on me cause chances are I’m still in bed laying down, but once I’m out I know I will have a great time.  Bowling has become a favorite pastime of mine; well I should mention that I love to watch my friends bowl as I sit with them and catch up, if you ever need a hype woman/ bowling cheerleader I am 100% your gal.  If I’m really tired you will only see two sides of me, super silly and giggly or not in the mood for anything and just wants to sleep.  Wow at this point you know more about me than most people in my life! 

Everyday I am learning what I love, what I dislike, what I tolerate, and what I do not tolerate. I think it’s important to get to know yourself, to remember who you were before the world got its hands on you and your heart. If life knocks you down remember only you have the power to get back up! You are the only one who has been with you from the beginning and will be with you until the end so go easy on yourself and take yourself out sometimes. You deserve the best of what this life has to offer no ifs, ands, or buts. So get out there and maybe go on a Target Run! 

Now I leave you a quote from my guy Rocky who knew a thing or two about how hard life can be but choosing to make the most of it:

“Nobody is gonna hit as hard as life, but it ain’t how hard you can hit. It’s how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. It’s how much you can take, and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done.” – Rocky Balboa

Till our next unpacking have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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Rough Patch:

Hello my loves, I know I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted and honestly I was contemplating on what to write about. I hope you are doing well, we’ve been getting lots of snow and rain lately.  Now enough with the small talk you already know, find a nice cozy spot and your preferred beverage and let’s talk for a bit.

I’ve been wanting to write a new post for a while but to be honest it’s been a rough few weeks.  I couldn’t decide on what I wanted to write about at first, I thought maybe I should write something motivating or something to make your day better but as much as I would love to make your days brighter I started this blog because I needed somewhere to write what I was feeling and experiencing. Like I’ve mentioned before, this blog has taken on a life of it’s own and even though I may not know most of you personally it has become a safe place for me.

Slowly but surely I’m becoming more expressive with how I feel, it may not seem like much but for those that know me know that I tend not to speak about personal things especially my feelings because I’m very guarded but in starting this blog and speaking to a few close friends/ family members I’ve been opening up more.

What is a Rough Patch exactly? According to [https://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/rough+patch]

  • A Rough Patch is: A period of trouble, difficulty, or hardship. 

This is probably the best explanation I can give you for what I’ve been going through these last few weeks.  I can’t say that I’ve been going through the worst time of my life because I haven’t but it has been a period of difficulty, hardship, and discomfort. My quote for these past few weeks has been “With Growth comes Discomfort” and boy have I been living by that. Three weeks ago I took kind of an MIA week and kept to myself. I didn’t go out and mostly stayed in my house because I get overstimulated socially and emotionally sometimes. It wasn’t until last year when I realized that the reason why I become withdrawn and need moments to myself is because sometimes my social battery just runs out so it was one of those “just need alone time” weeks. I am still working on not shutting the whole world away when I go through these moments, but I’m glad to say I was able to reflect and see where my head was at and why I was feeling down. 

Have you ever felt like you’re on autopilot and you’re so busy with life that it’s one thing after another and you’re just on the move constantly and not slowing down? Well I definitely have been feeling that way. My life has gotten pretty busy with things from work, church, and my social life. If I can be honest I started to find myself lacking in a few areas, well the better word would be I felt inadequate. There’s this saying “You are your worst enemy” and in most cases it’s true, I’m my worst enemy and critic sometimes.  I’ve been feeling pretty down because I like to do my absolute best in everything I do and it’s been hard accepting that I don’t have to know and be good at everything. I know that it takes time, patience, determination, and discipline in everything you do if you want to get good at it but it’s just hard because there are moments when I feel like I let others and myself down because I have such high expectations, especially on myself.  

So it took some digging inside of myself and I understand that it’s okay to not know everything or be amazing at it but it didn’t help that I was feeling like I was failing. In life there is always room for improvement and it took me such a long time to not associate not knowing how to do something with failure.  We are all human and I’m learning that it is okay to admit that I don’t know it all.  Now I can’t assume all responsibility in coming to terms with how I’ve been feeling. I owe a big thanks to our Worship Team Leader & Music Director.  Most who know me know that I’m always thinking and working on myself, am I an overthinker? Sometimes I am and I can’t help it, sometimes I can’t help but think of every outcome before putting myself in certain situations.  Well I received a text from him telling me to lead worship on a Sunday, mind you I’ve led worship for a few years now but have been trying to get better with my singing which in turn made me really self conscious of my voice. Did I panic when he told me? Yes. Was I ready to move to another country?  Absolutely. Did I understand why he chose me? No and yes. 

I was clearly in an uncomfortable space, I was feeling down because I know I’m not the best singer out there and felt like I was going to let my team down if I let fear and doubt consume me. I’m also part of the Church Media team and Youth Leaders; I don’t say these things to make myself seem amazing or to complain, I share these things so that you can get a better picture as to who I am and what I do when I’m not blogging. I haven’t really been able to express how I was feeling because I didn’t want to admit that I was feeling that way. I felt that if I said it out loud then it would be true, that I would be a failure. He noticed that I was off during practice and kept asking me why I was shying away or closing myself up and I just said “nothing I’m fine.” As you can tell I was the opposite of fine but nonetheless we were going to move forward because I honestly just wanted to go home and talk to God, cry it out, and maybe have some ice cream.

The next day I decided that I should let him know how I was feeling and honestly his next words to me gave me so much reassurance and it was like a weight had been lifted. He sent me a picture earlier that week that said [Life in 3 acts] 1. A Challenge 2. Owning it 3. Using it to guide others. That along with the words “I believe in you” truly impacted me more than he knows.  Yes he may have presented me with a challenge I wasn’t sure I was able to overcome but I had accepted it and I was going to find a way to own it and give my best.  His mission is to make us all grow and with growth comes discomfort. I am currently at a point in life where I’m getting used to being uncomfortable in order to grow and as scary as it is it is also a thrilling feeling. Knowing that aside from feeling nervous, uncomfortable, unsure, I also realized I was growing in the midst of it all.  This blog has shown me that it is okay to feel my feelings and that they are valid and I’m learning that the sooner I figure out why I’m feeling a certain way and I unpack it the sooner I get to feeling better and having that weight lifted.

There are things we feel or hold on to that don’t allow us to overcome these tough moments in our life and if any of you are going through these thoughts or emotions then I hope the verses attached will help you see that it’s easier to let them go than to hold on to them. I would also like to add that it is okay if you have your doubts, insecurities, or negative emotions just don’t let them consume you and learn to work through them. Whether it be with praying, seeing a Therapist, Counselor, speaking to a family member, or friend. I know I may not be the only one going through a rough patch in life and I want to share something I found on Instagram.

8 Things to let go of:

[@life.church on I.G]

  • STRIVING FOR THE APPROVAL OF OTHERS

“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” (Galatians 1:10)

  • FEAR

“ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” (1 John 4:18)

  • FILLING YOUR BROKENNESS WITH EMPTY THINGS

“ He refreshes my soul.

He guides me along the right paths

    for his name’s sake.” (Psalms 23:3)

  • HOLDING A GRUDGE

“ Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”  (Ephesians 4:32)

  • COMPARISON 

“A heart at peace gives life to the body,

    but envy rots the bones.” (Proverbs 14:30)

  • WORRYING ABOUT WHAT YOU CANNOT CONTROL 

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)

  • ANGER 

“because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:20)

  • OVER-WORKING AND NOT RESTING 

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

With all of that being said I’d like to apologize, not for taking a bit of time off but for not writing to you guys or checking in. I know many have been waiting for me to update but I wasn’t in the space to share this yet. I hope you know that you are valuable, important, seen, and understood if not by those around you than definitely by me.

Now I leave you with one of my favorite quotes from Mulan:

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” – The Emperor 

Y’all, let me just say we are becoming the most beautiful and rare flowers known to man and our garden is going to be so stunning with all of you overcoming and blooming in midst of your trials and adversities. SO let’s continue to crush this thing called life, One Day At A Time!

Till our next unpacking have a great day my lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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Make Yourself A Priority:

Hey Guys, I know it’s been a week since I’ve last posted but a lot has happened. I hope you guys have been staying warm and at home; It’s been freezing lately these past few days. I’ve been wondering what my next unpacking with you guys should be and honestly today’s topic hits home. Y’all already know find your comfy spot and let’s dive in.

 

So, this past week I debated a lot on what topic I wanted to talk about and this one stood out the most.  Are you making yourself a priority? You may be asking “What do you mean Janny?” Well I mean are you making time for yourself? Are you resting? Do you like the person you’ve become? I know I know I’m hitting you guys with a lot right now but maybe this is something I’ve also been wondering about myself.  Over the last few posts I’ve talked about over coming fear, dealing with anxiety, and setting boundaries. Today I want to talk about what may be our biggest stumbling block, Ourselves.

 

Overcoming fear and anxiety is great but what if after overcoming all of that we don’t believe in ourselves? What if we allow our circumstances to paralyze us from moving forward? What if because people expect so much from us we don’t know what it’s like to live just for ourselves. [Wow, I didn’t even know I had these questions.] I may have been afraid to admit it but there have been plenty of times in my life where I’ve allowed people, expectations and situations to block me from moving forward. Being a giver has it’s ups but it definitely has its downs. As a giver something we need to learn is when to stop giving so much, now I’m not saying stop being nice I’m saying stop giving yourself so freely all of the time. We tend to always want to fix everything and everyone’s problems and than when it comes to our own we’re too overwhelmed or as I try not to do we hide it under a rug and keep on moving. Let me tell you when people expect you to be available all of the time it’s exhausting because when you finally decide that enough is enough they make you out to be the bad guy. That is why I can not stress it enough that its okay to have boundaries and to not always be available.

 

Have you ever felt like you’ve put a pause on your life because someone needed you? Maybe it’s your kids, your relationship, family, work, friends. I get it it’s because you care and want to help out but may I remind you you are a not the main character in their life, at the end of the day they will live out their life and do what they want. There has to come a point in your life when you realize you also have a life to live, goals and dream you want to accomplish and if you don’t know what they are maybe just maybe you need to get out there and figure out who you are. I want you to ask yourself these questions:  What are your hopes and dreams? What’s your favorite place to be in? Do you like to travel? Do you want to learn something new?

 

Whether you’re single or not take the time to figure these things out, take the time to truly know who you are and what you like to do. For those who are married and or are grandparents set some boundaries yourself.  Huge reminder for those with Adult children, 1: You already raised your kids and 2: Live your life unapologetically.  Take care of yourselves because sadly some kids are selfish and don’t have the sense God gave them to see when you’re tired and overworked.  Hopefully I can speak for many that we have seen your hard work.  We have seen you give up who you were to become our parents, providers, and caretakers. One may argue that “It’s your job, we didn’t decide to be born” but I want you all to know how truly appreciated you are even if your own children don’t tell you.

 

I have seen all of the sacrifices my parents have made so that I can be who I am today. I dream of achieving and becoming better because they have always pushed me and believed that I can do greater than them.  My wish for them and for all of you is that if you’ve put a pause in your life because of work, life, your relationship, family, children than press play because you have a life to live. Don’t stop living it because you feel like your time has passed it most definitely hasn’t. Give yourself permission to live your life to the fullest even if that means you need to call out to take a rest day, even if that means saying you can’t babysit, even if that means you need to go out by yourself.

 

I challenge you to find something you like to do and do it, go on a date alone or with a friend, do something you’ve been holding off on doing because you can’t find the time. Listen, make the time because at the end of the day you don’t want to say you lived your life for someone else or be filled with “I should haves.”

 

My girl Luisa from the movie “Encanto” said it best:

 

“If I Could Shake The Crushing Weight Of Expectations Would That Free Some Room Up For Joy Or Relaxation, Or Simple Pleasure?”

It’s okay to dream big, it’s okay to be a little selfish, and it’s okay to figure out who you are. So press play and don’t hold back because of anything or anyone because I for one would love to see where life takes you next adventures and all.

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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Just Keep Swimming:

Just Keep Swimming:

Hello Friends hope this finds you well; this morning was very icy and slippery out. I hope those that have to drive or work in this condition stay warm and safe. I must admit for a second I didn’t expect that walking into work would turn into a game of slip and slide. Thankfully I had not fallen cause your girl was definitely going to head back home and get into bed with some hot cocoa.  Today’s topic I’m sure will resonate with a few of you seeing as it touched me deeply. So before you continue reading have you taken a moment to yourself? If not, I want you to stop what you’re doing and take a full minute to breathe deeply in and out. Feeling a little better? Good now we can continue.

The other day as I was taking a moment to read the bible I came across a few verses that made me stop and reflect. These verses are found in:

[Philippians 4:6-7]

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

I don’t know about you guys but as much as I don’t like to admit it I get very anxious.  There are days when I’m already laying in bed, everything is dark and the only thing I can hear is my fan and my loud anxious thoughts.  I can go on and on about how you should just trust God and not worry about anything but I have to be honest with you and myself. There are nights when all I do is worry and wonder, “how can I organize my life to be better? How can I get a handle on all of these bills and responsibilities? What’s going to happen in the future? How do I deal with situations that come up on my day to day? How can I be strong and lead others if I myself need help?” and don’t get me started on insecurities and doubts!

Why am I sharing this with you all? Because I get it, life isn’t easy! Some days get the worst of us and then there are days you feel like you’ve fallen and life just keeps kicking you down. You might be saying “Janny, it’s easy for you to preach all of this but you don’t get how hard it’s been.” I get it I do, you feel like you’re drowning, you feel like your thoughts get so loud you can’t even think, sometimes it’s hard to stay still and breathe. There’s a reason why God tells us to not be anxious for anything but in everything by prayer and supplication and thanksgiving ask Him and let Him know what you need.  You see we hold on to more than what we should; why don’t you try to give your burdens and worries to God? He’s literally waiting for you to surrender everything to Him yet we hold on to these things as if our life depended on it. As I continued to meditate on these verses I realized that what God wants is a simple transaction. He wants you to give Him your worries, anxious thoughts, and doubts so that you can have room to receive His peace, strength, and understanding. I’ve noticed that in the moments where I just can’t any more and I cry out to God I feel an instant relief because I know that even in my brokenness God hears me.

Psalms 51:17 says:

“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

There’s a relief in knowing that it’s okay not to be okay, that I don’t have to have it all together,  that my life doesn’t have to be perfect, and I don’t have to be strong all the time. Knowing that even in that state God is still there no matter what.

I started this blog as a way of sharing my life and adventures with you all but the more I write the more I realize I’m actually taking you on a journey of discovering who I am and in the process healing from things and emotions I’ve buried deeply.  I am more than aware how closed off and guarded I can be but as I’ve always mentioned I want to be honest and transparent with you all. My life may appear perfect and quite a few people have mentioned that I live such a happy life without worries, that really isn’t the case. I’m not perfect, I make mistakes, I get angry, I can be dramatic, loud, extra. But I can also be quiet, reserved, and to myself.  For those that truly know me know that I am easily content with being alone and in silence. I don’t regard myself as the holiest person or above anyone because I know in some shape or form I sin whether it be with my thoughts or actions. I share this with y’all because I don’t want you to look at me as a perfect person instead look at me as an imperfect person loved by a perfect God. 

Sometimes I ask myself “Janny, why do you post so much?” and honestly I’d like to think that if others can see that there is joy to be found in even the littlest things then maybe they would see their life differently.  Maybe they would see that no matter how bad life can get there are moments worth cherishing. Whether it be seeing a Sunset with lots of purples and pinks. Or waking up extra early to drink your coffee or tea in peace.  Maybe you find joy in going to the spa or getting a mani or pedi. Maybe you like working on your car or fishing. So as much as you may get anxious and doubt yourself, fill your days with moments that bring you peace and joy.

Remember, as crippling and paralyzing as anxiety can be, do not allow it to overtake your life.  You are more than your trauma, more than your pain, more than depression, and more than your suicidal thoughts. You are beautiful, kind, caring, exciting, and loved!

I leave you with this reminder from a beautiful friend of mine named Dory. One of my favorite quotes from her in Finding Nemo is:

“When life gets you down, you know what you gotta do? Just keep swimming.” — Dory

So my friends, no matter how hard life has been, just keep on swimming. Some currents may be stronger than others but that’s okay; you’ll just become a stronger swimmer and eventually you’ll get to a beautiful place filled with calm waves and beautiful sunsets.

Till our next unpacking, have a great day lovelies!

Love Always,

Janny Mari

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